Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
Father’s Day is this weekend. Should I buy my boyfriend a gift or do I just leave it up to his ex wife to do it?
Whose Job Is It Anyway?
Dear Whose Job Is It Anyway?:
Leave it to the ex wife. Are you kidding? I’ll guarantee you she’s been all over that from the moment she received his gift of air on Mother’s Day.
What to do on Mother’s Day and Father’s day is awkward when it comes to divorced couples to be sure. In the early years, post divorce, my ex would give me whatever Mother’s day “gift” my kid had made in pre school. I, in turn, would give him the time of day, which I thought was a pretty fair exchange considering he had left me for another woman. Granted it was his mother, although in some ways it was worse, because for starters, I am a way better dresser although when it comes to needle pointing designs like kittens in a basket, I don’t hold a candle to her.
However, times have changed and I no longer have to decide if it’s worth doing 25-life just to avoid having to see him even one more time. We get along quite well now and this Mother’s day he sent me flowers.
My seven year old daughter informed me at the time that I would be receiving them on a Saturday because, “Daddy didn’t think it was worth the extra money to have them send them to you on Sunday.” Although I was caught a bit off guard, I wasn’t surprised. In the end, the flowers were very nice and I even got a small box of chocolates included in the deal.
When I showed them to my daughter she told me that “Daddy didn’t buy those for you. The man asked him and daddy told him “no, the flowers were already too much money.” She then went on to suggest that perhaps the man at the flower store felt sorry for me and that is why he put the chocolate in there anyway.
I asked my kid what the man looked like, thinking if he sounded hot, we could go over to his flower shop and thank him in person for giving me the candy. Unfortunately, she told me he, “looks just like daddy only he had a long beard and he was wearing these funny bright green sandals.”
Well, maybe next year.
This year, I will, of course, return the gesture and purchase something for my ex husband, albeit, I have no clue what that will be as it was hard enough when I actually cared about the guy.
At the end of the day, it’s your choice. Perhaps you can talk to his ex wife about it and you two can get him something together and then you can go and catch rainbows in a jar and spend the afternoon petting unicorns as well as other realistic pursuits.
Anyway, good luck!

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My name is Lisa. I’m writing because my boyfriend’s ex wife wants him back. I’m a little freaked out because, I mean, she is the mother of their kid. Should I stick around?
Signed,
Lisa Has A Problem
Dear Lisa Has A Problem:
If the fact that she is the mother of your boyfriend’s child is the only reason you are afraid he might break up with you, rest assured. I could fill a line of divorced men from Los Angeles to New York City who will tell you “so what, she’s the mother of my kids…she’s still a total bitch.”
When a man has a child, he usually has to communicate with the mother if he’s going to have any relationship with his children. Otherwise, most couples tend to go their own way, hers to a therapist, his to the bed of the girlfriend he hooked up with seven seconds after splitting up because he realized that when his ex moved out she not only took her part of their assets, but kept her vagina with her as well.
That being said, if you do find your boyfriend spending inordinate amounts of time texting or talking to his ex-wife then you might have a reason to be worried. I use the word “might” because when it comes to divorced people, they could pass a hundred and fifty text messages between them for the sole reason that they cannot agree on what brand of sunscreen the child needs, or because one is determined to get the other to admit that the only reason why their kid is even alive is because they are the better parent.
Now, if you come home one night and find his ex sitting at your dinner table wearing a Debbie Does Dallas version of a cheerleading outfit and your boyfriend, naked except for the bullhorn he’s using as a coverall for his junk, THEN, you might want to start asking the tough questions.
Although, you might want to look for more subtle cues like him smiling when she calls him, suddenly giving her credit for anything or asking if it would be okay if he called you by her name because yours is too hard to remember….Lisa. You know, stuff like that.
What you really need to do is have confidence in yourself and remember that this man is lucky to have you. I can see why you are concerned and seeking out advice from others is a very healthy way of dealing with it. Therefore, I’m going to assume that as I write this, your boyfriend isn’t lying unconscious on his kitchen floor because you may or may not have put too much cyanide in his orange juice.
At the end of the day, if you really want to know where your boyfriend stands on the issue, just come out and ask him. If at that very same moment he just so happens to be re-opening their joint bank account, you have your answer.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
I’ve had this happen twice since I started dating my boyfriend. We stop by his house and I use the bathroom and THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER! What’s the proper etiquette here? We’ve only been dating a few weeks!
Tired of no TP
Dear Tired of no TP:
Oh, I’ve had that happen to me on many occasions. I remember once resisting the urge to use a page from one of the magazines the guy had sitting “toilet” side. It was hard because it was a picture from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, Cindy Crawford I believe.
My dilemma was that I was afraid he’d find out and think that I was bitter and petty, wait, make that KNOW I was bitter and petty and he was so hot and as of yet had not realized that I was not so I wanted to keep things moving forward.
What I ended up doing in that situation was, first, while still sitting on the toilet I tried to open every cabinet door and drawer hoping, of course, to find a spare roll. Sadly, I have found over the years that if a person runs out of toilet paper and doesn’t replace the roll right away, chances are that person is a male who lives alone and is straight, which leaves about a 2% chance that when you open that cabinet door you’re not going to find what it is you are looking for. However, there is a 99% chance you will encounter at least one roach motel and a bottle of cleaning fluid that has gone unused for so long, the color of the liquid bears little to no resemblance to what it was on the day it was originally purchased.
I must confess, that have long given up attempting this particular stretching maneuver because inevitably I would either end up falling off the toilet with my pants still at my ankles, pulling a hamstring, usually the left one, don’t ask me why or start feeling sorry for myself that the only kind of guy who wants to date me has nothing in his bathroom cabinet but roach motels and old cleaning supplies.
What I do end up doing now is letting myself air dry for a bit and then just sucking it up and hoping that by midway through our evening together I don’t end up smelling like the inside of a airport bathroom.
It’s funny though because even though I’m now in my 40’s, I still don’t sit there for too long, lest this man in my life think that I might be doing anything other than peeing. I guess I can’t get past the notion that I might be the only one who actually finds herself timing somebody when they go to the bathroom and then feeling embarrassed for them if they stay too long you know, because they’re like human.
Finally, what you could do, which is what most mentally healthy women do do is just yell from the bathroom, “Can you toss me a some toilet paper please?!” and then right as he flings it over to you, yell out, “This is going to cost you and I’m not talkin dollars here!”
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My girlfriend wants me to tell her I love her all the time. I do love her. but I’m the type of guy who prefers to express my love through my actions. What should I do?
Signed,
I’m a show her, not a tell her
Dear I’m a show her, not a tell her:
Well, that depends. What kind of “actions’ are you referring to exactly?
Does she wake up in the morning to a clean kitchen, a walked dog and say, a brand new wardrobe?
Or are we talking more along the lines of the joy of her opening her eyes to find you naked with a woody and a “willingness” to have sex with her?
I ask because there are men out there who say that making love to their girlfriend is their way of showing they love her which is fine, but there is a big difference between doing something that is a benefit to just her and doing something that would be a benefit to both of you or let’s face it, at times, only you.
I once had a boyfriend who had a very hard time telling me he loved me. Unfortunately for me, it turned out it was because he actually didn’t and was just in it for the benefits and I’m not talking along the lines of a pension plan.
Problem is, I’m not alone here on this one. Many women have encountered at least one guy in their life who felt that sex was the best way to express his love for her …as well as all the other women he was simultaneously dating, so you can understand why your girlfriend would prefer that you actually say the words and not just “show” them.
Not only that, but actions can often go a lot farther than words ever do. I once got into an argument with a boyfriend over something that he found trivial and yet I felt said a lot about how he felt about me. I can’t remember exactly what had happened, but suffice it to say, I was right and he was wrong, as usual.
Now that might sound a bit arrogant but trust me, it’s the truth and you’re more than free to find the man and ask him yourself. Unfortunately, last I heard, John is no longer with us. Apparently, he ended up becoming a Warlock and I’m not sure exactly what went down, but I do know it happened on Halloween and involved several bags of Hershey’s Kisses and a hit on the head from a very,very heavy plastic pumpkin.
But I digress.
The point is, John and I get into this argument and instead of just saying he was sorry and that he really did love me, he took me out to dinner that night and allowed me to spend the entire meal picking off his plate, which in my world was a greater indication of his love for me than if he’d actually told me so.
As always, the best idea is to compromise, meet somewhere in the middle. You make a point of actually saying the words “I love you” ideally before you’ve done something that makes her believe there is no way you could possibly mean it and she makes a point of understanding that when you do the things you do, you’re doing them out of love, not fear of what she will do to you if you don’t.
Signed,
Single Mom Walking
Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for jessica bern 724 (1)-thumb-200x300-2685 (1).jpgJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

iStock_000009495414XSmall.jpgDear Single Mom Walking:
I read an article recently that said that most men tend to break up with their girlfriends around Valentine’s Day and Christmas. Sadly, this just happened to me, as well. My question is how could someone be so mean, couldn’t they at least wait an extra week?
Signed,
Cupid is Stupid
Dear Cupid is Stupid:
Would you put a down payment on a house when you know you have no intention of living in it?
I only ask because you see, men look at gifts as an investment in their relationship. In their minds, they want to get something for their money. Translation: give a gift, get a love job, end of story. Now, if they are no longer interested in spending time with you, in their minds, at least, it would then make perfect sense to make their exit right at the moment when they are expected to put more money down.
It stinks, I know. I don’t blame you for being broken hearted. Valentine’s Day is a tough one. Around Christmas time, life sucks anyway, so getting dumped at the time would be crappy but certainly not worse than trying to find something nice to buy for every member of your family while having to stay within a twenty dollar gift budget and I’m not talking “per person” here.
Frankly, if it were up to me I’d make it a rule that on Valentine’s Day one is limited to giving cards only. I once told a boyfriend of mine that all I wanted was for him to write down what having me in his life meant to him. I will say that it freaked him out so much he ended up taking me out to an amazing dinner and promising that I would never have to meet any member of his family if I didn’t want to. I’m not stupid, so at the same time, I managed to slip in how important it was for me to have a clean house and if I recall correctly, he offered to pay for a housekeeper to come every Monday for the following six months.
Cross my heart, asking for the card was heartfelt. Seriously. I am the type of person that could hear my significant other tell me he loves me all the time but the last time I checked, most men would feel more comfortable having their balls spanked.
However, the one thing I have learned is that my significant other can also be just me. I’ve had many a Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and birthday where it is me celebrating me and believe it or not, I ended up treating myself a whole lot better on those occasions than pretty much any man I’d ever dated. Plus, on those nights when I went home and slept with me, when I woke up in the morning I knew I’d still be there and that I was most definitely not pregnant.
See, it ain’t all bad? You just have to look for the silver lining and I promise you, you’ll feel a lot better.
Check out Jessica’s take on Valentine’s Day in the current issue of Project You Magazine…

jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Single Mom Walking

EXCITING A MAN CAN BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH
iStock_000015069527XSmall.jpgDear Single Mom Walking:
My boyfriend wants me to do a lap dance for him and he even said he’d buy me a pole. He says it’s a huge turn on for him. I want to please him but is it worth the shame and the pain?
Signed,
There Has To Be Another Way
Dear There Has To Be Another Way:
Well, first let me ask you is this a paying gig? If so, is he aware that the dollar bill has gone by the wayside along with affordable housing and a 5% unemployment rate?
Seriously, for the level of humiliation I would endure trying to gyrate my hips around a pole while simultaneously trying to hide my c-section scar and the fact that when I DO gyrate my hips I look like I’m having a grand mal seizure, I think tipping me in the form of a $50.00 bill, no, make that billS, would be a more of an even exchange.
Never mind the damage to my floors from the pole itself. Turns out you would need to get one that is bolted to the floor and ceiling as I read about some chick who tried to do it the cheapy way and ended up breaking her collarbone when the thing came toppling down while she was mid-slide.
In an article I read on the topic, it was recommended that should you not want to spend the cash and go with the Ikea version, it would be wise for you to put down gym mats all around the pole just in case. Too bad Ms. “honey, I think you better call an ambulance!” didn’t do a little more research on the topic huh? I’m pretty sure she would have benefited from that little bitty piece of advice.
On top of all that, I would take into consideration how long you’ve been in your relationship. Has he seen you without make-up? Helped you while you vomited your guts out? Do you at least pee in front of him or feel comfortable enough to let one rip in his presence?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions and he is still sticking around, chances are he won’t notice when you pass out from the pain because the last time you wore heels that high was NEVER.
I also found out there are DVD’s available to teach you how to not only pole dance, but do a strip tease as well. I would only venture to purchase them if they also came with another DVD showing how I can stop myself from laughing my ass off while making an attempt to do either or, God forbid, what to do in case I actually think I’m getting good at it but when I do it in front of my boyfriend HE can’t stop from laughing HIS ass off.
It’s a tough call here. On the one hand, spicing up a relationship is always a good thing, however, you need to decide how far you’re willing to go to make that happen.
Your choice, good luck.
Check out Jessica’s take on Valentine’s Day in the current issue of Project You Magazine…

jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.