Go F**k Yourself Friday…The Pet Edition

Thanks to my cousin Jeff, today’s post is inspired by our pets, Santana, Hazel, Jasper and Guapo. For the most part, our pets are some of the most pampered on the planet, but they do get pissed off at us from time to time. So I’ve decided to give our furry and scaly housemates the floor today so they can finally share what’s on their minds…

Hazel’s Side-eye: Go F**k Yourself Grandpa for kicking me off the kitchen table this morning so you can drink your morning coffee and eat your toasted bagel with peanut butter. Don’t you know that I enjoy lying across the placemats while Beth watches MSNBC on her phone in the morning and Darin is out walking Santana? There’s nothing better than sprawling out on that table especially when I know the coast is clear and I’m not going to have to pole vault into the dining room once the dog comes back into the house. I know it seems unsanitary, but I seriously clean myself 20 times a day. You have nothing to worry about, except maybe a few cat hairs in your black coffee.

Hazel gives Grandpa the side eye

Guapo’s Rant: Go F**k Yourself for keeping me cooped up in a fish tank for the better part of seven years. I know you tried to make the place look nice. You gave me beachfront property and a window view of the backyard, but seriously, I’m three feet long now and would really like to relocate to Florida. I hear that Boca is quite nice. Maybe next time you drive down there, you can drop me off so I can find my long lost bearded dragon relatives.

Guapo plots his escape to Boca

Jasper’s Revenge: Go F**k Yourself Santana for chasing me and Hazel away from the bedroom because you are clearly the favorite. That’s okay. We were here first and we will continue to taunt you by sleeping in your dog bed and drinking from your water bowl. You can’t scare us with your silly bark. You know we have the upper hand since no one ever trims our nails and we can use them like ninja steak knives if you piss us off. 

Santana vs. Squirrel: Go F**k Yourself mailman, Fresh Direct delivery man, UPS driver, landscaper, Uber Eats guy and anyone else who attempts to come to my front door and I don’t know who you are. Don’t worry, I don’t actually bite anyone who comes in the door but if you do not let me kiss you on the face or pet me, I will keep barking until you hit the road. Oh and FU too squirrel who always manages to taunt me on the porch. I will get you one day. I just have to figure out how to bust out of the sunroom.

Go F**k Yourself squirrel. I see you taunting me right outside the sunroom. Not funny. Not funny at all.

Thanks for stopping by this week. Hope your pets treat you as great as ours do. And on that note, time to walk the dog…

Photo credit: Jake Danishevsky

The Dog Question…

IMG_2237.jpgHere’s a confession I have to make after watching President elect Obama’s first press conference. While I was initially interested to see if he was going to name his cabinet, I was more concerned about two important issues affecting his family. After he fielded one question about receiving a congratulatory message from the President of Iran, Obama responded to a reporter who received his sympathies after she cracked her shoulder while running to watch his victory speech in Grant Park. Here’s the questions from the journalist with the bum shoulder: What kind of dog will they be bringing with them to the White House and will the girls be attending private or public school?
News flash! While media is abuzz about the best dogs for the Obama family, it turns out that Malia is allergic to dogs so while the first family elect would love to take in a mutt from a shelter (Obama quipped “just like me”) they’ll probably have to go with a hypo-allergenic pup. Looks like poodles, yorkies and shih-tzus are going to get a boost. In fact, if the Obama family wants to find the perfect website for non-allergenic dogs, then click here – there are more than a dozen pups to choose from. Personally, I’d love to get a dog too but my hubby is even allergic to non allergic dogs – eventually, I’ll solve that problem the old fashioned way – make him get shots!
On a side note, Obama was also asked whether his daughters would attend public or private school in D.C. He answered by saying that Michelle will be scouting schools and they will make a decision after they’ve investigated their options. If you’d like to check out the full press conference, the visit the NY Times…they were actually live blogging from the event (just like me except I did my live blogging from my den)
So here’s my question du jour. What dog should they get and should the girls go public or private?