Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
iStock_000012925728XSmall.jpgI have my first date since I ended my last relationship of 6 years. I met my date online and I’m worried what do I do if I’m not attracted to him and how will I know if he’s not attracted to me?
Signed,
Maybe I Should Just Stay Home
Dear Maybe I Should Just Stay Home:
When I first started dating, I actually took all the pictures these men posted at face value, literally.
There I would be expecting that what I was about to see live was a man who looked a lot like Bradley Cooper only to find out that the only thing my date had in common with him was they both had teeth, two legs and required oxygen to remain standing.
I remember the feeling of my heart dropping down to my feet from the utter disappointment of knowing that 1) there was no way I was getting laid that night and 2) I was stuck spending at least the next half hour of my life talking to this man when I could have been home counting how many Cheerios come in one box.
Problem was, I kept at it. Every date was like playing the lottery. I’d show up, my heart pounding, wondering if this would be the night when I’d end up with Darth Vader or Dylan McDermott.
Finally, after way too many months, I told myself, “That’s it. I’ve had it’. From that point on, if I went on a date with a guy that was so unattractive it would have been easier on my eyes to just stare directly into the sun, I would let him know within in the first ten minutes of our date that this would be our last evening together.
I was nice but I was firm. I would insist we meet for coffee and then I would literally tell the guy, “Listen, I think you’re very nice but the chemistry is just not there for me”. Which, I’m happy to say, would be quickly followed by him asking the waitress for the check.
Now, to address your other question. How will you know if he is not attracted to you?
Sadly, I can answer this one as well. At the end of the date he will either shake your hand or give you a quick hug, you know like the kind you would expect from say your seven year old.
Thankfully, most men rarely say, “I’ll call you” anymore, which I personally prefer. Instead, they tend to say things like, “Well good luck with your ___________” which will then be followed by this hellishly awkward moment where they are supposed to offer to walk you to your car but don’t. I admit, however, that might happen because I live in Los Angeles, where walking is something we know we CAN do but work very hard not to.
Finally, some will actually do what I do and just come out and tell you honestly that they are just not that into you. It doesn’t feel great but dating is not a one way street. What is good for Ms. Goosey has to also be good for Mr. Gander.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

young couple beachDear Single Mom Walking:
My boyfriend went on his yearly “guys only” vacation to the Bahamas. One of the pictures he showed was of him arm in arm with this really cute girl. He says nothing happened but he just looked a little too “cozy” with her.
To Believe or Not To Believe
Dear to Believe or not To Believe:
Don’t you hate when that happens and all you have to show for your time away from him is a clean toilet and a yard free of dog poop?
I have to say that my jealousy over the fact that he went on vacation and I did NOT would likely outweigh my wonder as to whether he was poking his nose into places it shouldn’t be.
Ok, yeah, you probably don’t want envision that one.
However, you might want to ask yourself if you really want to be with a guy who is enough of a dumb ass to show any photo like this to his girlfriend, especially if, as he claims, he never even fooled around with her.
Seriously, this guy is one knife short of a whole set if you ask me? Or is it not the sharpest one in the…? Yeah, okay, whatever, who cares. Sure I have just proven myself to be a complete and utter moron, but at least I didn’t run home to my boyfriend and show him a photo of me licking the groin of some Bradley Cooper look alike while trying to pass it off as just your average beach day.
You see what I’m getting at? Exactly. I dream of licking Bradley Cooper daily and your boyfriend is potentially an idiot.
That aside, there is the fact that he may be telling you the truth here. I know many a man who, if given the chance to touch a pretty girl, would grab it and yes, sometimes never want to let her go but the reason could be as innocent as:
Peer pressure to not look like the kind of guy who is so dominated by his girlfriend that every time he goes out he leaves his balls in a jar on her nightstand.
The fact that his and every man’s brain has the ability shut down on a moment’s notice, leaving his penis in charge and therefore rendering him absolutely unable to stop touching either himself or any woman within five feet of him.
or
She reminded him of his favorite stuffed animal.
So to sum it up, you asked him, you got your answer and now you have to decide whether he really is a dumb ass or he’s just your average guy. I tend to listen to my instincts on matters of the heart, my health and whether or not I’m going to go with the fish or the chicken and nine times out of ten, I’m very grateful that I did.
Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for jessica bern 724 (1)-thumb-200x300-2685 (1).jpgJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Thumbnail image for vajazzle.jpgDear Single Mom Walking:
I vajazzled my vagina the other day. My friend was appalled. She said she thought men should just accept the vagina as it is, that women should not go out of their way to do anything about it just to keep men happy. I think she’s wrong.
Signed,
Maybe I Need New Friends
Dear Maybe I Need New Friends:
I’m very glad you wrote to me about this. You see, I’ve been wondering exactly what goes into vajazzling one’s vagina. “Why?’, you ask? Well, 1) because I clearly need to get a life and 2) because I’m not a crafty and to me, when I HAVE thought about it, the only thought that came to my mind was:
My vagina + one bottle of glue + a bag full of jewels =’s one giant gynecologic disaster.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing more I want in life than to have my nether regions glitter like a ball of sunshine, really, nothing more. Not my kid getting into Harvard, the ability to pay my mortgage on time or even winning the battle against my new middle age spread, nothing.
That being said, one has to be realistic about one’s limitations. Also, one need also consider that she doesn’t HAVE to date a man who prefers that when the woman he is dating spread her legs, she light up like the Empire State Building. It’s a choice.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to “dress up” for your man. If you are both into that, then go for it. However, if you feel sexy in your chinos and clogs but the guy in your life, thinks the pants make it seem like your ass has gone AWOL and your shoes would be better with a back and some heels attached, well then, it’s time to move on.
Then again, you could always compromise. I went to the vajazzle.com site and found that you are not limited to just dazzling up your sexual organs. You can put those puppies on your chest, your hip, right above your ass crack. I know, can life get any better? Believe or not, it can! I also read that no man is precluded from pasting a few of those beauties on and around his ball region so now both of you can suffer and shine together! Hello?! Did I just make your day or what?
Although, truth be told, I’m not sure how into a man I would be if when the time came for him to drop his Jockeys he had a rhinestones stuck to his genitals. I don’t care if they were in the shape of an arrow, a barbell or a bottle of Old Spice, More than likely my response would be me zipping up my pants while simultaneously running out the door yelling, “Gotta go! I think I left my oven on!”
Hopefully, I’ll never have to know.
Thumbnail image for jessica bern 724 (1)-thumb-200x300-2685 (1).jpgJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.