Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My boyfriend and his kid spent part of the weekend with me and my daughter. I fed them and pretty much cleaned up after them and when they left I didn’t even get a “thank you.” Should I say something?
Signed,
Over and Done
Dear Over and Done:
Been there and then tossed them, well, mostly just him. As a fellow single parent, I know how hard it is to be doing it all by yourself. I have been single since my daughter was fifteen months old and I can’t tell you the number of times I would wake up and silently ask her, “what is it you can do for yourself today that I no longer have to?”
People were always amazed how early in life she was able to buckle herself into her car seat, dress herself, make a delicious steak au poivre. I was proud of her and so so thankful. Doing it ALL is not easy and I took help any place I could get it.
Saying “thank you” and “please” seems to have gone the way of the beeper and the Farrah Fawcett hairdo with the same likelihood of returning, sadly. Whether or not you should say anything depends on a few other factors.
Did they thank you when you fed them? Did they ever assist in cleaning up after themselves? Did they at least offer? Did they ever put the word “please” in a sentence and I don’t mean as in, “Oh please, are you kidding me?” or “girlfriend, puh lease!”
There are also other things in play here that need to be taken into consideration, like how hot is he and what is the likelihood if you dump him, you’ll get laid again before the next eclipse?
To some people these are things that shouldn’t matter. To those people I ask:
1). What is the longest amount of time you’ve ever gone without getting any? and
2) How many coffee dates have you gone on where you wanted nothing more than to leave before you even ordered?
Exactly.
It’s a tough dating world out there. I live in Los Angeles, a city where women start having their mid life crisis at fifteen.
I, myself, am in my mid forties. I have an eight year old kid and parts of me have seen better days. I admit, when it comes to romance I tolerate way more than I should. Does that make me desperate? No, yes, no and yes. Life is not that simple. I know people who love their alone time, I do too, but there is “alone time” by choice and then there is “alone time” better whip out the jigsaw puzzle sister cause no one is comin a callin!
I have experienced way too much of the latter and if you don’t believe me, I have about ten 1000 “piecers” just sitting in my closet done and waiting to either be redone or donated, the last of which is a picture of the inside of a candy store. Yes, I said mid forties, why do you ask?
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My boyfriend and I just broke up after eight months together. I told my daughter but need I also tell my ex husband?
Signed,
Yes, No or Maybe?
Dear Yes, No or Maybe:
I’ve been divorced over six years now and I prefer to keep my life very separate from of my ex husband’s to the point where I will go out of my way to not share any personal information with him.
As an example, the other day he asked me what time did it say on my cell phone. I turned around and asked him what time it said on his cell phone. He then told me he didn’t have his with him. I then asked him if there were any clocks close by or other people with a cell phone handy. He got angry and yelled, “fine, I’ll ask someone else!: then called me a f**ing lunatic and hung up the phone.
Okay, I’ll admit that perhaps I went a bit too far on that one but I recently went from getting laid a lot to barely at all to potentially never, ever again and I’m just not myself.
Your life is your life. Your ex’s life is his life. However, if you are anything like me, 1. You think everything should come covered in chocolate and 2. you don’t have much of a life so ultimately it makes things a lot easier when it comes to the “share” part. Nevertheless, the little that you do do, the people or persons, or in my case, dog, that you spend a majority of your time with are your business not his.
Another thing to consider is you might not have to tell your ex anything because you’ve got your seven year old daughter to do it for you…like it or not.
I am very careful what I say around her now, even in Spanish because as I mentioned in an earlier column, my daughter has now begun to study it in school and I’m too lazy to learn Mandarin.
One thing I will say is don’t ever ask your kid not to say anything about you to her father because the right after you tell her not to that will be exactly the thing she will feel compelled to do more than anything else in the world.
You can’t blame her. It’s human nature. Don’t’ believe me? Okay. Remember the last time you told yourself you were going to stop drinking? Exactly.
My ex has been with the same woman for many years now. If he were to come to me and ask me straight out, “Are you still dating so and so?”, I’d be adult about it and just tell him the truth, “no because he was kidnapped by pirates,” and then just leave it at that.
It’s up to you how to deal with this to be sure, but honestly really is the best policy…..when it serves you.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months. The other day he asked me to babysit for his three year old twins because his regular sitter cancelled at the last second. I’m unemployed at the moment and I think he should have paid me because he was planning on paying someone anyway. He says his love for me is payment.
What say you?
Signed:
At a Total Loss
Dear At a Total Loss:
I tried that whole “you were going to have to pay somebody anyway” reasoning on my ex husband and got absolutely nowhere but that is because all I did was birth his child, pay for the entire divorce, (his part and mine) and give him several thousand dollars as a “going away” present so who am I to ask?
You’ve got an interesting point here. After all, you are jobless and yes, he was going to pay someone anyway but then again, he does love you. Unfortunately, love doesn’t pay your cell phone bill and I’m pretty sure the local gas company could give a crap what he thinks about you. You could try it his way and see if by getting him to admit he is absolutely crazy, wild, unbelievably head over heels for you, your cable company will also toss in HBO and Showtime. I mean after all, it’s not like everyday they walk into work and hear such proclamations of love and judging from the customer service, I’m going to guess they never hear at home either.
I must also tip my hat to you for being willing to baby-sit three year old twins. I’m guessing you’ve never had kids of your own or you’ve never spent time in the company of twins or three year olds or any one under the age of five, for more than a couple of seconds. Otherwise, I’m going to have to guess that you are really hurting for cash, or you actually have a true affinity for spending your days shouting things like, “hey, no hitting!”, “who needs to go pee pee?!” or if the kid is being raised in Los Angeles, “yes, mine are real.”
I’m going to also guess that you are so tired of being hounded by creditors that you believe working with people who are completely unwilling to compromise, will never give you a straight answer and constantly cry over spilt milk, literally, is worth the money.
That being said, the going rate for babysitters in Los Angeles is on par if not better than what most temporary employees earn, especially if they work in the entertainment industry.
Seems wrong to me since there are many people in positions of power in Hollywood who are much more difficult to work with than a pre schooler. If you don’t believe me, then answer me this, when was the last time a four year old threw his size 12 penny loafer in the direction of your forehead while screaming, “Get the f**k out of my office!”?
I rest my case.
Lastly, you could always tell your boyfriend “no.” Last I checked, that was a viable answer, one I wished I’d optioned to use right after the guy asked me, “do you take this man….”
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
The other day an old boyfriend contacted me on Facebook. I live in San Francisco, he lives in Portland, Maine. He told me he wants to reconnect. I used to be crazy about him but I’m not sure if I want to start things up again.
Signed,
Here and There
Dear Here and There:
That you would even consider hooking up again with this guy is amazing to me. I say that because my number one rule for dating a man is he must live within ten miles of where I live and that’s only if he’s really hot. If he’s not hot but he’s funny, the radius is five miles. If he’s not funny or hot but it’s been a while since I last got laid, four miles. However, if he’s not hot, not funny and I haven’t gotten laid since three eclipses ago…mileage? What’s mileage?
Back in the late 80’s I briefly dated this really good looking guy, which at the time meant that I did everything and anything I could to make him happy while he did everything and anything to make himself happy too.
Last year, this same guy also contacted me via Facebook. At first, I thought it was the Universe’s way of telling me that I was finally in a place where I was mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship. It didn’t occur to me how ridiculous this notion was as my reasoning was based primarily on the fact that he was still a very good looking guy and yet was still interested in the possibility of dating me.
Aside from that, he was also divorced with twin girls the same age as my daughter (7) and he lived in
Sydney, Australia ?!!!!
I was so excited that by the time I read that little detail, I think I was hyperventilating and then just blacked out from the enormous let down.
Eventually, I came to after my mother called me from New York to tell me she’d heard there was an earthquake in Los Angeles and wanted to know if I was okay. When I told her it was just my heart hitting the floor she immediately felt relieved I was alive because as it turns out, she was bored out of her mind and I was the only one she knew that was still awake.
During my Facebook chat with this guy, he pleaded with me to come to see him. He wrote “Hey, next time you’re in Sydney, look me up!” which, of course was very sweet although I admit I don’t respond well to begging and this time was no different.
I told him I couldn’t see us getting as serious as I’m pretty sure my ex wouldn’t be happy if I told him I’m running late, about two weeks, to pick up our kid from school because my flight got delayed. Never mind, I’m so lazy, I know that if I were to ever get involved in something cross country or as I mentioned, even cross county, there’d come a time I’d call my ex and tell him “she’s all yours” because I could no longer bare another 16 hour flight or even a 30 minute car ride for that matter.
I will say, that if I’ve learned nothing else from my divorce it’s that relationships are hard enough and absence doesn’t necessarily make the heart grow fonder, although the sex is always unbelievable.
Good luck!
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
I met a guy I really like but he is a really bad tipper no matter what the circumstances. I’m really torn as to whether or not to stick with him.
Signed:
Ten Percent Is Not the New Twenty
Dear Ten Percent Is Not The New Twenty:
I dated a guy like that, briefly, the key word here being “briefly.” The reason: I found out all too quickly that a man who is tight with his money tends to also be very selfish in other areas of his life, mainly bed and this man, was no different.
In fact, being with him reminded my of my preschool days since more often than not during our average “romp” I’d hear him utter the words, “okay, now my turn” more times than is normal, normal meaning never.
During one particular evening, I was very tempted to yell out, “What are you, three?!” but held my tongue as he’d promised that after I was done screwing him, he’d take me out for an ice cream.
At first, my friends convinced me that the guy probably wasn’t even aware of the problem. They suggested that being a good tipper was something I could teach him, which is the only reason why our relationship lasted as long as it did….three weeks, eight hours, four visits to Baskin Robbins and two pieces of chocolate fudge cake which he insisted we share, something which should have been a huge red flag to me.
We were at a coffee house and no sooner had the waiter put the plate down, when my date took his fork and began to divide the cake into two pieces. By the time he was done, not only had he given himself three quarters of the slice but a part of that three quarters included the side with all the frosting on it.
I was in shock. Hadn’t I told him that my relationship with cake was the longest relationship I’d ever had? Did I not tell him that there would always be a part of me that would put cake before him, especially German Chocolate and Seven Layer?
And yet there he was diving into the frosting like it was no big deal. It was as if suddenly all the air had been sucked out of the room and the all that remained was me and this man who will forever now be known as the cake hoarding orgasm withholder or Mr. CHOW for short.
Since then I have been very wary of any man who isn’t generous, period. Be it with money, sex, frosting, it doesn’t matter and quite frankly I’d say you should be too.
Good luck and don’t forget to bring you extra cash and your credit card. Chances are you’ll need it.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My boyfriend was supposed to meet me at my place for a romantic evening but instead he insisted he had to stand on line at the apple store to get his Ipad. I was insulted he said I had no reason to be?
Signed,
Me, You and an Ipad Too?
Dear Me, You and an Ipad Too,
Your boyfriend gave up sex so that he could go and pick up an Ipad 2 instead?
Well, from someone who has said many times she wants to be buried in the back seat of her Prius with one arm around her MAC laptop and the other on her treadmill, I have to say I kind of understand.
I’m not saying I’m always this compassionate and I’m not even saying it’s right but there are times when materials goods can provide one the same if not more satisfaction than anything with two legs, two arms and the ability to do more then making unintelligible noises.
I mean I’ve had boyfriends where if you asked me to pick between an evening with them or a free copy of Final Cut Pro well, free is free…..
Another example is I’ve got a guy friend of mine that has made it clear that should I ever find him in bed, dead, hugging his five iron, I should know he died happy. This is contrast to the fact that he has never once mentioned anything about dying happy while holding his wife’s hand or having his way with Giselle Bundchen and to me that says something; 1. That this guy’s five iron must be nothing short of amazing 2. Giselle Bundchen is totally overexposed and needs to tell her PR to take it down a notch and 3. “things” can provide a certain level of joy unmatched by even those closest to us.
What I think your boyfriend is guilty of more than anything is poor planning. Perhaps he could have called you earlier to say he was going to be at the store and would be running late or perhaps you could have met him at the checkout counter all decked out and he could’ve started to feel you up while sliding his debit card through that thing every store uses but for which I have no name.
Yes, I’ll agree, probably not the best idea and based on past experience, I’d probably end up paying for the Ipad and not getting “any” either.
Bottom line is you and he just need to communicate better. If need be, next time tell him, I want to have sex with you tonight. Do not Pass “go”, do not stop collect anything at the Apple Store, come right home because if you don’t, the next time you get in the mood, don’t be surprised if you turn around to kiss and find out I’m stopped on the way home to get myself a pedicure.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My boyfriend likes to watch me pleasure myself but won’t let me watch him. He says it won’t turn me on. I disagree. What do you think?
Signed,
Okay, Now It’s Your Turn
Dear Okay, Now It’s Your Turn:
Well, in this situation, I can honestly say I don’t really have a tried and true answer for you. Whether or not watching your boyfriend pickle his pecker (sorry, this column is somewhat family friendly. If I wrote masturbate, they’d kill me. Oh wait, I just did. Holy hell, I’m guessing I’m not long for this world now am I? Well it’s been nice) Sorry, back to the boyfriend who ‘pickles.’
So, for me to tell you to tell him that it will turn you on wouldn’t be fair because what if in fact it did not? Since you’ve never seen this guy’s “act” you might find that he’s not very good at it. Now, I know you’re asking yourself, “What would make it good versus not good?” and probably also wondering how the hell I would know.
Well, first let me say that, yes, I’ve had a seat to one or two of these shows and honest to God, whether or not you’re going to get the reaction you are seeking, truly depends on who’s playing the lead.
You have to understand that there are certain facial expressions you never want to see on your man, ever. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had been dating this guy for like 10 hours, when he began his performance by contorting his face in such a way it made him look like he was executing a “movement” right there next to me on top of the 400 count cotton sheets I had just bought at Bed, Bath and Beyond, on sale, using my twenty percent off coupon, no less. This, of course, had me very worried because I was pretty sure I’d never get a bargain like that ever again.
However, I quickly went from worry to just outright disgust when he suddenly opened his mouth really, really wide and made these like, quick moaning sounds because it made me think of the root canal I’d just had and for a second there I was actually tempted to shove a dental dam inside his mouth and measure his tooth for a new crown.
When he did finally finish, I suddenly felt like I’d just exited one of those house of horror type rides. You know that feels like right? Where you’re kind of shaken, even though you knew the whole time you really weren’t in any danger and yet while it was happening you were scared out of your mind and even a little grossed out? Yeah, like that.
Bottom line, never assume anything, often times the grass only looks greener, be careful what you wish for….you get the point. Good luck!
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking…
I met a man on a blind date. He was cute, charming, funny, and has a soft spot for animals (he has two cats). Then we got in the car and he turned on techno music. Is it wrong that something so simply is such a turnoff? I feel like I’m being too picky.
Signed,
Meow or Meh?
Dear Meow or Meh:
I’ll get to the techno music in a moment but first, can we talk about the two cat thingy please? As a gesture of good will towards all the men who post a profile on line and the women who have to endure the agony of reading them, I once posted a list of the “do’s” and “do not’s” with regard to what men should consider before posting and if I recall correctly #3 was:
“Do not put up a picture of yourself holding a cat. It’s good to know that you like animals but a majority of women have stated that as soon as they see a guy holding a calico, the first word that comes to mind is “pussy” as in “this guy is clearly a pussy” which quickly leads to the rolling of the eyes and the hitting of the delete button.”
Now I like cats as much as the next person. Okay, that is a lie, unless, of course, that “next” person does not like cats at all, then I am being as truthful as I can be. Nonetheless, when it comes to men and their Tabby’s, I often feel like my penis is bigger than theirs, which clearly doesn’t say much for the guy since I don’t have one….unless you count the strap on but that’s a whole other column right there.
As far as the techno, I don’t have a feeling about music either way. You see, for me, unless I get into the guy’s car and he turns on a CD of Gregorian Chants, which did in fact happen to me, I’m good to go.
You see, my taste in music is rooted in the 1970’s and 80’s and when I say rooted, I mean, never left, so I’m not one to talk when it comes to this particular topic. I know I’ve been judged for my song choices in the past to the point where now when I pull up to a red light, I do so with all my windows rolled up, lest I be judged as a freak, a loser, or in other words, for just being me.
My point overall is, every guy is going to have things that you like and dislike about him. The question is what can you tolerate? If having to listen to techno music, makes you inclined to wrap your hand around a giant steak and running in his direction as fast as you can, perhaps this isn’t the guy for you. Then again, if his choice of animal doesn’t give you the urge to check under which gender he is listed on his birth certificate, then maybe you have a match there.
Only you will know. Just follow your gut or in your case the smell of the cat litter.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My girlfriend is amazing except when it comes to her apartment She is a total slob and I honestly prefer that we spend time at my place because I just can’t stand being around such a huge mess. She says I’m compulsive, that I need to accept her as is and I say that it’s asking too much.
What say you?
Signed,
Is Dirty the New Clean?
Dear Is Dirty the New Clean:
I had a boyfriend like that once. I’d go over to his place because I was in the mood to have sex only to walk in the door and suddenly want nothing more than to steam clean his carpets, and I mean, NOTHING more. Every time, he’d end up convincing me to go and fool around with him by promising that as soon as we were done, I could line his kitchen drawers or Easy Off his oven.
Sadly, when cleaning his house became more of a turn on than he did, I knew it was time for me to go. I’m guessing right now his place is probably a mess although if you were to go there and take out a piece of cutlery, you would see the liner underneath is nothing short of magnificent, which is to say, a lovely blue and white striped pattern with little speckles of red scattered all around the edges.
Reading this, some might speculate that a person like this is compulsive but I would have to disagree. Just because I like my guest towels to look “new” and thus prefer that they not be used by any of my guests, ever or by any one that lives, anywhere….in the world, does not make me compulsive…in my eyes, or those of my cat…if I had one. Yes, I do have a dog but he sits out in the yard all day snacking on kitty turds so what the hell would he know about cleanliness?
If you are someone who can’t function unless all your magazines are lined up horizontally on your coffee table and the inside of your freezer has its own frozen food “sections,” then perhaps you need to lighten up a bit although that doesn’t mean your girlfriend is right in telling you that you should be okay with her living like a slob.
It is important to accept others for who they are but when that includes feeling a need to wear flip flops inside their shower for health purposes, well, I think some changes do need to be made and from the sound of it, I would recommend you start with your girlfriend’s sheets. Sorry, couldn’t help myself.
They say opposites attract, I personally do not agree, just ask my ex-husband. Okay, perhaps there are some that do, you know like, he likes to earn, she likes to spend, he prefers to sit on the couch all day, she gets her joy from waiting on him hand and foot, he likes his stomach being “poofy,” she prefers not running into it especially when she’s standing 5 feet away from him.
Generally, though, I’d say, you two are going to need to come to some kind of compromise or else this relationship will not stand the test of time or even three loads of laundry.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
It has been a long time since I’ve had sex. I recently met a guy that I’m definitely attracted to physically, but that is all. Is it okay to sleep with him but not actually date him?
Signed:
One Night Only is All I Have to Give
Dear One Night Only:
Yes. That’s it, just “yes.” This might be the shortest answer I have ever written for a question but there really isn’t much else to say. Believe me. I’ve been through those droughts and they are not pretty. I’ve had friends recommend various forms of self – stimulation, many of which I tried but eventually gave up on because 1. They will never hug you, ever, no matter how many times you ask and 2) when I inquired as to whether or not they loved me, all I got was the silent treatment.
Which leads me to say:
FYI to all the women out there “getting some,” when your friend is not getting any, hasn’t gotten any and it looks like she may never ever get any again. Please do not suggest she buy herself a vibrator because…
1. Trust me when I say that is the most un-original idea you could possibly think of and
2. Chances are she has one and it’s not her first nor even her fourth so if you really want to help her out, for God’s sake, the least you can do is buy her 5 flats of “C” sized batteries because with friends like you, it looks like she’s going to need them.
As usual, I would be remiss not to warn you to make sure he puts a glove on it. Now he might fight you on this and say he doesn’t need it but remind him that he’s not about to screw a pillow, you’re a human being and you have every right to protect yourself. If he persists, whip out a copy of my daughter’s tuition bill (which I’d be happy to send you) as well as all the costs associated with keeping her fed, clothed and entertained and if he still refuses, then grab your vibrator out of your drawer and tell him, “he’d wear one if I asked him to and he comes in purple, blue and if I wanted, all kinds of glittery.”
Believe me, the guy will leave so fast it will make your head spin. Unfortunately, it will most likely be because he thinks you’re a freak but who cares.
You need to take care of you, so you have to wait another day, so what? Sure, I know what it feels like to be so horny that shaking a man’s hand can becomes your version of foreplay, but you need to hang in there.
However, when you do find the right guy, go for it. You might want to let him in on it. Fair is fair. I mean men have a feeling too you know. Otherwise, go for it. Have a great time. Mazel Tov, enjoy, oh and Happy Passover.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.