Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My name is Lisa. I’m writing because my boyfriend’s ex wife wants him back. I’m a little freaked out because, I mean, she is the mother of their kid. Should I stick around?
Signed,
Lisa Has A Problem
Dear Lisa Has A Problem:
If the fact that she is the mother of your boyfriend’s child is the only reason you are afraid he might break up with you, rest assured. I could fill a line of divorced men from Los Angeles to New York City who will tell you “so what, she’s the mother of my kids…she’s still a total bitch.”
When a man has a child, he usually has to communicate with the mother if he’s going to have any relationship with his children. Otherwise, most couples tend to go their own way, hers to a therapist, his to the bed of the girlfriend he hooked up with seven seconds after splitting up because he realized that when his ex moved out she not only took her part of their assets, but kept her vagina with her as well.
That being said, if you do find your boyfriend spending inordinate amounts of time texting or talking to his ex-wife then you might have a reason to be worried. I use the word “might” because when it comes to divorced people, they could pass a hundred and fifty text messages between them for the sole reason that they cannot agree on what brand of sunscreen the child needs, or because one is determined to get the other to admit that the only reason why their kid is even alive is because they are the better parent.
Now, if you come home one night and find his ex sitting at your dinner table wearing a Debbie Does Dallas version of a cheerleading outfit and your boyfriend, naked except for the bullhorn he’s using as a coverall for his junk, THEN, you might want to start asking the tough questions.
Although, you might want to look for more subtle cues like him smiling when she calls him, suddenly giving her credit for anything or asking if it would be okay if he called you by her name because yours is too hard to remember….Lisa. You know, stuff like that.
What you really need to do is have confidence in yourself and remember that this man is lucky to have you. I can see why you are concerned and seeking out advice from others is a very healthy way of dealing with it. Therefore, I’m going to assume that as I write this, your boyfriend isn’t lying unconscious on his kitchen floor because you may or may not have put too much cyanide in his orange juice.
At the end of the day, if you really want to know where your boyfriend stands on the issue, just come out and ask him. If at that very same moment he just so happens to be re-opening their joint bank account, you have your answer.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
It has been a long time since I’ve had sex. I recently met a guy that I’m definitely attracted to physically, but that is all. Is it okay to sleep with him but not actually date him?
Signed:
One Night Only is All I Have to Give
Dear One Night Only:
Yes. That’s it, just “yes.” This might be the shortest answer I have ever written for a question but there really isn’t much else to say. Believe me. I’ve been through those droughts and they are not pretty. I’ve had friends recommend various forms of self – stimulation, many of which I tried but eventually gave up on because 1. They will never hug you, ever, no matter how many times you ask and 2) when I inquired as to whether or not they loved me, all I got was the silent treatment.
Which leads me to say:
FYI to all the women out there “getting some,” when your friend is not getting any, hasn’t gotten any and it looks like she may never ever get any again. Please do not suggest she buy herself a vibrator because…
1. Trust me when I say that is the most un-original idea you could possibly think of and
2. Chances are she has one and it’s not her first nor even her fourth so if you really want to help her out, for God’s sake, the least you can do is buy her 5 flats of “C” sized batteries because with friends like you, it looks like she’s going to need them.
As usual, I would be remiss not to warn you to make sure he puts a glove on it. Now he might fight you on this and say he doesn’t need it but remind him that he’s not about to screw a pillow, you’re a human being and you have every right to protect yourself. If he persists, whip out a copy of my daughter’s tuition bill (which I’d be happy to send you) as well as all the costs associated with keeping her fed, clothed and entertained and if he still refuses, then grab your vibrator out of your drawer and tell him, “he’d wear one if I asked him to and he comes in purple, blue and if I wanted, all kinds of glittery.”
Believe me, the guy will leave so fast it will make your head spin. Unfortunately, it will most likely be because he thinks you’re a freak but who cares.
You need to take care of you, so you have to wait another day, so what? Sure, I know what it feels like to be so horny that shaking a man’s hand can becomes your version of foreplay, but you need to hang in there.
However, when you do find the right guy, go for it. You might want to let him in on it. Fair is fair. I mean men have a feeling too you know. Otherwise, go for it. Have a great time. Mazel Tov, enjoy, oh and Happy Passover.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.

Introducing Single Mom Walking!

We are so excited to announce a brand new weekly column from one of the blogosphere’s most hysterical vloggers, Jessica Bern. Jessica is an actress, brand ambassador and single mom who shoots from the hip and shouts profanities at the drop of a hat. My kind of woman. Jessica will be answering all your single mom dating questions with honesty, wit, candor and a couple of F-bombs to keep it interesting. So without further ado, take it away Jessica!
IF I WANTED TO LIVE LIKE THIS, I’D MARRY HIM…
Dear Single Mom Walking:
iStock_000004092819XSmall.jpgWhen I first started dating my boyfriend we would go out all the time. It’s been 5 months and we are already spending more time in front of the TV, no more flowers for me, I don’t bother to wear much make up anymore. I want the old days back. How do I make that happen?
Signed:
How Did We Get HERE
Dear How Did We Get HERE:
Remember when you got your first car? How you refused to let anyone eat or drink in it? Remember how you cleaned it out all the time, never leaving even the tiniest piece of paper behind? Remember how you threatened your kid with her life if she even spilled one goldfish on the floor beneath her feet and almost how you almost risked her life by taking her car seat away b/c it made those nasty dents in the cushioning?
Okay, perhaps you don’t recall the last two but I sure as f**k do, sorry, but new car/kid’s life….
(Cue Jessica weighing the two in her mind. )
Tough choice. Lucky for my kid, I love her and she’s the only chance I’ve got of not dying alone.
Anyway, after a few months, do you remember how you started getting a little more lax about the whole situation? How, you didn’t take ALL the papers/wrappers out of your car, yet promising, that, FOR SURE, next time you would but that next time never actually came? Remember how all of a sudden you found yourself risking driving with an open lunch container of pasta between your legs and thinking “F**k the car, I’m starving”? How you stopped even noticing there was a car seat present and the fact that your kid had crushed three of her cheddar fishes was just that, a fact, and not an “issue”? Remember that?
Well, that’s what is happening in your relationship and frankly, it’s not always a bad thing. It means you are now spending your energy focusing on the things that are more important than just looks. Sure, you want to get your car washed regularly. Maintenance is also a necessity but whether there is a little scratch on the bumper or a small stain on the passenger seat does nothing to take away the quality of car you’re driving or the man you’re presently shtupping.
That being said, unless there is a fatwah on both your heads, there is no reason you two can’t go out. What has happened has happened as a result of choices made on both your parts. The good news is that it puts the power in both your hands to change things.
Yay! Don’t you think? If you can make things one way then you can make them go in the exact opposite direction. Yippee!!! Holy Moley! Yahoo! Hoo…okay, enough with the happy, sorry but there is a point where too much of it makes me uncomfortable and Gentile. I think I need to lie down. Anyway, you get my point, I’m sure.
So good luck, have fun and if you need me, I’ll be out having my brakes checked.
For more from Jessica Bern, check out her blog, Bern This.
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.