Go F**k Yourself Friday, the Trip Down Memory Lane Edition

I’ve been on this planet for a pretty long time now and as a result, there have been a lot of things that have happened in my life that have pissed me off. I have shared a few of them in some of my FU Friday posts but today, I have decided to take a trip down memory lane so I can share some fresh Go F**k Yourself Friday love with some pretty crappy people from the past.

Go F**k Yourself to Tony Robbins. Yes, that Tony Robbins. While I was excited to be motivated by you to be my very best self and even fist pumped Gayle King at your event, I will never forget the time that I spent more than 12 hours in a freezing cold room with thousands of other people as I felt myself getting sicker and sicker by the hour. By 1 am, after I couldn’t think straight anymore, we were led outside and I lost complete control of my senses when I was instructed to walk across hot coals. Now bear in mind. I am the person who hates riding scary roller coasters, yet something in my brain snapped and I race/walked across burning hot coals and wound up with blisters on my feet and a lung infection – not from the hot coals, but the sub zero temperatures I endured inside that day. Plus, my husband got totally pissed off at me because I didn’t call him for 12 hours and he was about to send out a search party for me. Thankfully, I resurfaced, came to my senses and never attended another Tony Robbins event again. Instead, I am hopelessly devoted to Mel Robbins because she’d never make me walk on hot coals. Maybe she’d share a hot coffee with me, but coals, never.

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Go F**k Yourself Aladdin Capital for firing my husband almost 10 years ago. Since the company is now out of business anyway, I felt like it was a good time to give them a piece of my mind. There was one point in my husband’s life where he thought he was going to spend the rest of his career at that company. They had just given him an incredible bonus and he even convinced me to take a chance, leave my stable job and start my own my company. But then, they pulled the rug out from under him and his friends after the market took a downturn (hello 2008), and we were like a couple out of the Roaring 20’s.  Bye bye Lexus, hello Hyundai. We’ve survived despite our brush being on easy street but a serious Go F**k Yourself goes out to his bosses at the time who seriously turned our American Dream into an episode of Sanford & Son.

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Go F**k Yourself to the former client who kicked me out of a limo when she was having a bad day.  I had just started working with her and my team had lined up a bunch of interviews to promote the new season of her show. Unfortunately, as the day wore on, a few interviews we had scheduled fell through and by the time we got to the end of the day, she got really pissed that things weren’t going her way and proceeded to yell at me and threw me out of the town car we were riding in. I then walked to the train station in tears and vowed never to work with horrible women like her again. While I was convinced to come back for the rest of the season, after witnessing her torture more of my colleagues, I finally decided to reclaim my dignity and walk away. I have also vowed to never work with toxic people again and damn, that does feel good. 

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Go F**k  Yourself to my old boss who, while going through a midlife crisis, bought a convertible sports car and waved me on one day while he was pulling out of the parking garage next to our office building with one of his friends. I was nine months pregnant and trudged along as I walked to the subway station that was several blocks away. I later found out that he had told someone that he didn’t want to hire anyone else who was planning to go on maternity leave because it was more trouble than it was worth. He has since retired and embroiled in a scandal that he’s going to have to probably deal with for a very long time so karma, thank you very, very much for all that you do. 

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Go F**k Yourself to the Person who mistakenly sent me a really mean message about me that was meant for someone else. I will never forget the searing words she used about my sub par writing abilities and that she also labeled me a “serial bridge burner.” If you happen to know who you are and are reading this, consider this one of those bridges burned.

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Thanks for the memories everyone! Now make it a good day and if not, well you already know the alternative.

Go F**k Yourself Friday…The Pet Edition

Thanks to my cousin Jeff, today’s post is inspired by our pets, Santana, Hazel, Jasper and Guapo. For the most part, our pets are some of the most pampered on the planet, but they do get pissed off at us from time to time. So I’ve decided to give our furry and scaly housemates the floor today so they can finally share what’s on their minds…

Hazel’s Side-eye: Go F**k Yourself Grandpa for kicking me off the kitchen table this morning so you can drink your morning coffee and eat your toasted bagel with peanut butter. Don’t you know that I enjoy lying across the placemats while Beth watches MSNBC on her phone in the morning and Darin is out walking Santana? There’s nothing better than sprawling out on that table especially when I know the coast is clear and I’m not going to have to pole vault into the dining room once the dog comes back into the house. I know it seems unsanitary, but I seriously clean myself 20 times a day. You have nothing to worry about, except maybe a few cat hairs in your black coffee.

Hazel gives Grandpa the side eye

Guapo’s Rant: Go F**k Yourself for keeping me cooped up in a fish tank for the better part of seven years. I know you tried to make the place look nice. You gave me beachfront property and a window view of the backyard, but seriously, I’m three feet long now and would really like to relocate to Florida. I hear that Boca is quite nice. Maybe next time you drive down there, you can drop me off so I can find my long lost bearded dragon relatives.

Guapo plots his escape to Boca

Jasper’s Revenge: Go F**k Yourself Santana for chasing me and Hazel away from the bedroom because you are clearly the favorite. That’s okay. We were here first and we will continue to taunt you by sleeping in your dog bed and drinking from your water bowl. You can’t scare us with your silly bark. You know we have the upper hand since no one ever trims our nails and we can use them like ninja steak knives if you piss us off. 

Santana vs. Squirrel: Go F**k Yourself mailman, Fresh Direct delivery man, UPS driver, landscaper, Uber Eats guy and anyone else who attempts to come to my front door and I don’t know who you are. Don’t worry, I don’t actually bite anyone who comes in the door but if you do not let me kiss you on the face or pet me, I will keep barking until you hit the road. Oh and FU too squirrel who always manages to taunt me on the porch. I will get you one day. I just have to figure out how to bust out of the sunroom.

Go F**k Yourself squirrel. I see you taunting me right outside the sunroom. Not funny. Not funny at all.

Thanks for stopping by this week. Hope your pets treat you as great as ours do. And on that note, time to walk the dog…

Photo credit: Jake Danishevsky

Go F**k Yourself Fridays…the Black Friday Edition

I promised myself I was going to stay away from all those crazed Black Friday shoppers today but as the day wore on, a few stores were calling my name and sending me way too many emails so I broke down, loaded my family in the car and off we went.

I figured since we were hitting the local strip mall near our home, it wouldn’t be as insane. What I failed to realize is that people somehow forget how to drive when it’s crowded, and as a result I was able to come up with material for this week’s column.

So without further ado, allow me to present to you the Black Friday edition of Go F**k Yourself Fridays…

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Go F**k Yourself woman with the handicapped parking pass who cut me off while she was texting on her phone. Just because you have special parking rights, doesn’t mean you should cause an accident because you keep staring at your cell phone while driving with one hand.

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Go F**k Yourself to the lady taking an inordinate amount of time pulling out of her parking spot even though she has put away all her bags and turned on her car. There’s 15 cars vying for your spot – make it quick and hit the road. An honorable mention Go F**k Yourself goes out to the driver who tried to steal the spot from me after I was waiting patiently for five minutes for the other shopper to leave.

To the parents of the kids who are running around the hosiery section of Lord & Taylor unsupervised, go f**k yourself and get your kid. There’s nothing more aggravating than kids playing hide and seek while I’m trying to buy bras and underwear.

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Go F**k Yourself to the retailers who cause mass hysteria because people think they’re going to walk away with a 72 inch flat screen TV for $5. Seriously, the last place I want to be at midnight is pressed up against the glass doors of Walmart.

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For the next month or so, we are going to be flooded with holiday music and the unwritten rule has always been that “Santa Baby” can’t commence until the day after Thanksgiving. Go F**k yourself to all those radio stations that jump the gun and start playing Christmas music right after Halloween. I guess now that it’s Black Friday, all bets are off. So on that note I present to you…

Please feel free to chime in with your own Go F**k Yourself Black Friday stories because sharing is caring.

Happy Holidaze! 

Go F**k Yourself Fridays: Phony B*tches

Since I’m now in my last year of my forties, I’ve decided to just go balls out with how I feel about people. And damn, does it feel good. So today, I dedicate this post to a topic that’s near and dear to my heart….phony b*tches.

Go F**k Yourself to the phony b*tch who always seems so nice when I see her in person but then shows her true colors with her passive aggressive political comments on Facebook. Wait, that does sound a little like me, but I swear I’m talking about someone else.

A big I SEE YOU goes out to the phony b*tch who purposely avoids making eye contact because she clearly doesn’t want to say hello. Listen up, if you keep looking in another direction you will not suddenly turn invisible. Suck it up and say good morning b*tch!

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To the woman in the nail salon who I’ve met about a dozen times at a mutual friend’s house but doesn’t seem to recognize me even though I’m sitting right next to her. Hello b*tch, it’s been a long time. Let’s catch up. Then again, let’s not.  

A big Go F**k yourself goes out to the distracted b*tch who really doesn’t care to have a conversation and is already looking over your head to see if there are more important people in the room she should be talking too.

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If you happen to see yourself in any of these scenarios, don’t worry, I really wasn’t targeting you. Being a phony b*tch can happen to the best of us. Just try to catch yourself next time you try to avoid people you really don’t care for. My solution is to just stay home and binge watch a Netflix series or make plans with people I actually like.

Go F**k Yourself Fridays…The Road Rage Edition

Today, I’ve decided to dedicate this post to all the people in this world who seem totally oblivious on the road. See if you can relate to these scenarios..

Go F**k yourself driver in the extra large SUV Lexus truck who can never seem to park inside the lines at our local shopping center. When I have to slide back into my car like a gecko because you decided to go over the lines with your luxury yacht on wheels, you totally deserve it when I accidentally hit your side view mirror with my door.

Another shout out goes to the pedestrian who about five seconds earlier got out of her Lexus SUV/Truck and then walked into oncoming traffic without even looking where she was going. Pay attention lady and while you’re at it, go fix your piss poor parking job. And oh, Go F**k yourself!

Don’t even get me started on the Saturday cyclists. Seriously, every time you ride outside the bike lane or have a conversation while riding tandem 3-4 across and block the road, I want to open my window and stick my arm out so I can knock you over. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m an avid indoor cycler. But when I’m riding outside, I do whatever I can to ride inside the lines because I don’t want to get hit by a car. You’re not going fast enough for me to pass you on the road so for the love of drivers everywhere, MOVE the F**k OVER!!!

After merging onto the highway, I’m always careful to stay out of the left lane because there’s always that one a**hole who decides to ride my tail until I finally move back to my safe place (aka the middle). Seriously, left lane tailgaters, Go F**k yourself every time you try to play chicken with the car in front of you. I really wish there was an app that took a photo of your license plate and reported it to a cop so they could instantly pull you over for being a jerk. Hmmm, maybe I need to get started on that.

Go F**k Yourself people who hold parking spots for friends or family. That means you Alec Baldwin, who got arrested last week because he punched someone who innocently grabbed an open spot on a busy city street like any sane individual would do. Alec meanwhile got pissed because he was holding the parking spot for someone else. Isn’t Alec Baldwin a multi-millionaire? Why is he holding spots on a Manhattan street when he can just park in a garage and leave everyone alone? While I love your Donald Trump impressions Alec, your bully behavior earns you Go F**k Yourself  honors this week.

Finally, to the indecisive woman who cut me off and didn’t signal because she realized she wanted to make a right turn and almost caused an accident, Go F**k Yourself! Just because you are lost or confused doesn’t mean you can just ignore the car next to you and make a right turn. If you almost cause a fender bender because you think you’re the only car on the road, please leave your car at home next time around and take an Uber.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone and drive safe!

Go F*** Yourself Fridays…The Taker

Following an amazing response to this new column, I decided to do it again because honestly, there’s a lot of behavior over the years that I let go unchecked and frankly, now that I’m older, all bets are off. 

I got a ton of great comments that have led me to this week’s Go F*** Yourself offender of the week. I hereby present to you…

THE TAKER

If you have incredible connections that you have built up throughout your career, then beware, at some point in your life, you will fall victim to The Taker. When they meet you for the first time, The Taker will blow a whole lot of smoke up your butt – telling you how amazing you are and how impressed with what you have accomplished in your career.  They may even want to take you for coffee or lunch. If you take them up on their offer, be warned, they are going in for the take.

Typically, the taker will strike after their first or second meeting. They will innocently want to pick your brain and then follow up with questions about having you connect them to people you know who could help them advance their career or their goals. Don’t get me wrong – I have no problem sharing my contacts with people I trust and admire, but there’s something sinister about takers. They like to take, take, take but they never seem to give anything back in return.

I had my first brush with a taker when I had landed a big promotion at work. One day after appearing at an event, The Taker introduced themself, took me to lunch and the next thing I know, I started handing over my contacts like candy. The Taker had a field day with me. The problem was, a few years later after I had left my big job behind, The Taker didn’t get the message that you’re supposed to help people who have helped you succeed. When all you do is take and give nothing back in return, than you can take your flattery and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Another personal favorite is The Taker who is climbing the corporate ladder and will do whatever it takes to get to the top. When you’re their boss, you might see their ambition as an asset to your department so you give them opportunities to continue to kick ass on the job and the next thing you know, they quit or get promoted and suddenly, they have passed you by on the corporate ladder. When you attempt to reach out years later, this overly ambitious taker never responds to any of your inquiries. After they continually fail to return your calls or emails, you find yourself secretly wishing this taker gets laid off. Yes, I know that’s evil, but some takers just need to be taken down.

Then there’s a variation of “The Taker” which I’d like to call “The Swooper.” In this scenario, you’ve worked really hard at your job – perhaps you wrote an amazing speech for someone or maybe you came up with an ingenious idea for a project you’ve been working on and the next thing you know, you’re blindsighted by The Swooper who has no shame whatsoever and takes credit for your work. That’s the most painful Taker of all – especially since you know that The Swooper wouldn’t know how to write their way out of a paper bag.

If you have found yourself on the receiving end of The Taker, be vigilant. They may not want to be your friend – they just want to get to know who you know. And if you have been or currently are a Taker, seriously, Go F*** Yourself.