For the most part, our columns try not to take any political sides because thankfully, we have fans on both sides of the aisle. With that in mind, I’ve decided to delve into politics in a way where we can still call out bad behavior no matter your party affiliation. So without further ado, I present to you, Go F**k Yourself Friday, the Politician Edition…
Go F**k Yourself to the I’m Going to Call Out a Random Guy Politician – You have probably seen this dozens of times but don’t even realize it’s part of a formula for the perfect political speech. Mention the name of some poor schnook you met in the middle of nowhere. Share his story of how he and his family are just struggling to survive ever since he was downsized at the coal mine. Share some random statistics about how many people can’t find jobs now that they’re being replaced by robots and then end with how you’re going to fix the problem. Boom! You just learned speechwriting 101 for politicians. Make it personal, add a dose of stats and then promise something you know you probably won’t deliver.
Go F**k Yourself to the Blow Smoke Up My Butt Politician – Free college tuition for everyone! Health care for all! Everyone gets a job! You get a car, she gets a car, sure you can’t drive, but you get a car too! I have to admit – I would love to not fork over my life savings to fund college for my two kids and health insurance for my family but I am realistic and know that if someone could come in and just devise a way to lower the costs significantly, I would totally appreciate that too. I’m not an all or nothing kind of person — save me some money, and I’ll support you for life but if you promise me the moon and deliver air instead, then peace out, I have to go pay some bills.
Go F**k Yourself to the Will You Donate to My Campaign Politician – I totally get it. You need to fund your campaign but just because someone somewhere got their grubby hands on my email address doesn’t mean you need to send me emails every single day asking for money. If I don’t respond the first or fifth or hundredth time, it’s time to take a hint. Less is more. If you stop spamming me so much, maybe I’ll consider tossing some change your way. All I want now is to hit unsubscribe.
Go F**k Yourself to the Flip Flopper Politician – There’s nothing more that drives me nuts than when I see video of a politician bashing a person who clearly has no moral compass only to see him cozy up to him and be his biggest defender because he’s either being blackmailed or has lost his cotton picking mind. Either way, I’d love to fast forward to 2024 to see if you really like the person you now play golf with on a regular basis or will you be flip flopping again when he no longer is relevant to your existence.
Go F**k Yourself to the Kill them With Kindness Politician – If you are way too nice to me then I’m going to tell you right now, I don’t trust you. I mean, I can be happy too but on most days, I get pissed off a lot. There’s no way I can smile when people are feeding me a line of BS. Sometimes, you just can’t be nice to everyone – especially if they are not being nice to you.