In this week’s edition of Go F**k Yourself Friday, I’d like to dedicate the column to parents of kids all over our country celebrating one of the biggest milestones in their life. Well, some of them are. But for the others, this one’s for you.
Go F**k Yourself to the Doggy Obedience School who Has a Graduation Ceremony -Truth be told, when my puppy got to have her picture taken with a graduation cap for learning how to sort of not pee on a carpet, I was pretty excited for her graduation but then reality set in. I paid about $200 for a class where my dog still wasn’t house broken, she was tough to walk and constantly whined until we gave her a treat. Then there was the time she ate my computer keyboard and had the runs for a week. That’s like allowing someone with a D average to graduate. Totally not cool. The good news is, she’s finally house broken but she recently ate a piece of tin foil. No matter how hard we try, Santana will never be a straight A student.
Go F**k Yourself to Pre-School and Kindergarten Graduation – Another cute as a button moment that truly trivializes what it means to graduate from school. Honestly, if a kid can’t even read yet, then they don’t deserve to wear a cap and gown. Let’s stop celebrating kids every time they get a year older so that by the time they do graduate from high school or college, they will really appreciate it.
Go F**k Yourself to Parents who Buy their Kids Cars for Graduation – Seriously? You had to buy your kid a convertible Jeep for graduation? I’m sure your kid is thrilled with his new wheels but you just make it tough for the rest of us who have to explain to our kids that they’re just going to have to share the car with us until we qualify for social security.
Go F**k Yourself to Bills, Bills and More Bills – The high school graduation is a distant memory and you’ve already got an email from your kids’ new college that the tuition bill is due. The next thing you know, your kid is hounding you about getting all their dorm stuff together and within seconds, you’ve just dropped several hundred dollars on a monochromatic comforter and a few throw pillows from Dormify. Then there’s the marathon shopping spree at Bed, Bath & Beyond where I forgot my coupons and we bought the wrong size sheets. Seriously, I know graduation is code word for kiss your money goodbye but I wish these schools would give us a day or two to breathe in between graduation, orientation and move in day.
Go F**k Yourself Uber – For parents with kids who have graduated high school and are now enrolled in college, Uber will become the bane of your existence. Every time you look at your phone, you will inevitably see that Uber notification pop up and that’s probably because your kid doesn’t want to walk to class in the rain; went to a late night party or just felt like ordering Uber Eats instead of using the money you have already set aside for their meal plan. I never realized how something so convenient could totally suck away cash I wasn’t intending to spend in the first place. A word of advice to parents of kids with an Uber account – make sure they link it to their bank account and not yours. Trust me, they’ll be walking a lot more once they realize that the Uber is on them.
If you’re the parent of a recent graduate, I want to wish you only the best. Enjoy this very special time before they move on to the next chapter of their lives. And if you’re the parent of a kindergarten graduate, make sure you start their 529 plan and don’t introduce them to Uber until they get a job.