Well, it’s that time of year again where moms everywhere are celebrated but for some of us, even Mother’s Day has a way of pissing us off…
Go F**k Yourself to Prix Fixe brunches – Why is it that on Mother’s Day, the price of a regular brunch is triple the price just because you’re celebrating moms? If you really want to pay tribute to me, then all moms should get free bottomless mimosas. Now that’s a promotion I can get behind.
Go F**k Yourself Flower Companies – I know I waited until the last minute to send my mom a gift and that means the only thing that will arrive on time is a bouquet of flowers that I can have delivered to her home this weekend, but that comes with a $20 surcharge. Yes I know I could be better at buying gifts in advance, but it’s like those flower companies prey on people like me who are notoriously late purchasing gifts for their mothers. Cut me some slack and for that extra $20, throw in a few more roses instead.
Go F**k Yourself Greeting Card Companies – I don’t know what’s happening with greeting cards these days but why does it seem like it’s always slim pickings for Mother’s Day? There used to be a time where I’d find my signature Peanuts card in record time, write a little note inside and be on my merry way. These days, the cards are so boring, sappy and loud (what’s with all those cards with the blaring music) that I just want to go back to the days when cards said something sweet and funny and didn’t cost a fortune. Don’t even get me started with card stores like Papyrus which suck you in because they have beautiful cards but they’re a small fortune and while you’re waiting at the register, you wind up buying an inappropriate joke book and a notepad laced with your favorite curse words.
Go F**k Yourself Dirty Laundry – The problem with Mother’s Day is that it takes place on a Sunday and the problem with Sunday is that’s the day I typically do laundry. So if I’m supposed to technically take a day off so I can be pampered by my family, either someone is going to be missing clean underwear or their favorite shirt won’t be clean in time for brunch. Sure, I know I just have to teach my family how to wash their own clothes but it’s just easier for me to complain about how much laundry I have to do and then make them feel bad for me. Damn you laundry. Every time the pile seems to be getting smaller, my son takes another shower and the towel collection just continues to grow.
Go F**k Yourself Indecisive Shoppers – When I go into a store to buy a gift, I am a woman on a mission. Mom likes pins, my mother-in-law loves flashy earrings, my cousin loves cookbooks and I’m on my way. Except the woman in front of me is taking her sweet time at the jewelry display cabinet asking the sales girl to show her at least a dozen pieces and she still can’t make a decision. When I give up and try to find another salesperson, they just went on break and now I can’t take a look at anything in her cabinet. And when I’m at Barnes & Noble, the line is so damn long to buy one book that I decide instead to go to CVS to pick up a gift card. If people could just get their s**t together, find a gift, pay for it and leave, the world would be a much happier place.
In all seriousness, hope you and your family have a fabulous Mother’s Day no matter what you do. Now I better getting going so I can start shopping for some gifts.