May 2019 - the next chapter

May 31, 2019June 8, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday…the Graduation Edition

In this week’s edition of Go F**k Yourself Friday, I’d like to dedicate the column to parents of kids all over our country celebrating one of the biggest milestones in their life. Well, some of them are. But for the others, this one’s for you.

Go F**k Yourself to the Doggy Obedience School who Has a Graduation Ceremony -Truth be told, when my puppy got to have her picture taken with a graduation cap for learning how to sort of not pee on a carpet, I was pretty excited for her graduation but then reality set in. I paid about $200 for a class where my dog still wasn’t house broken, she was tough to walk and constantly whined until we gave her a treat. Then there was the time she ate my computer keyboard and had the runs for a week. That’s like allowing someone with a D average to graduate. Totally not cool. The good news is, she’s finally house broken but she recently ate a piece of tin foil. No matter how hard we try, Santana will never be a straight A student.

Go F**k Yourself to Pre-School and Kindergarten Graduation – Another cute as a button moment that truly trivializes what it means to graduate from school. Honestly, if a kid can’t even read yet, then they don’t deserve to wear a cap and gown. Let’s stop celebrating kids every time they get a year older so that by the time they do graduate from high school or college, they will really appreciate it.

Go F**k Yourself to Parents who Buy their Kids Cars for Graduation – Seriously? You had to buy your kid a convertible Jeep for graduation? I’m sure your kid is thrilled with his new wheels but you just make it tough for the rest of us who have to explain to our kids that they’re just going to have to share the car with us until we qualify for social security.

Go F**k Yourself to Bills, Bills and More Bills – The high school graduation is a distant memory and you’ve already got an email from your kids’ new college that the tuition bill is due. The next thing you know, your kid is hounding you about getting all their dorm stuff together and within seconds, you’ve just dropped several hundred dollars on a monochromatic comforter and a few throw pillows from Dormify. Then there’s the marathon shopping spree at Bed, Bath & Beyond where I forgot my coupons and we bought the wrong size sheets. Seriously, I know graduation is code word for kiss your money goodbye but I wish these schools would give us a day or two to breathe in between graduation, orientation and move in day.

Go F**k Yourself Uber – For parents with kids who have graduated high school and are now enrolled in college, Uber will become the bane of your existence. Every time you look at your phone, you will inevitably see that Uber notification pop up and that’s probably because your kid doesn’t want to walk to class in the rain; went to a late night party or just felt like ordering Uber Eats instead of using the money you have already set aside for their meal plan. I never realized how something so convenient could totally suck away cash I wasn’t intending to spend in the first place. A word of advice to parents of kids with an Uber account – make sure they link it to their bank account and not yours. Trust me, they’ll be walking a lot more once they realize that the Uber is on them.

If you’re the parent of a recent graduate, I want to wish you only the best. Enjoy this very special time before they move on to the next chapter of their lives. And if you’re the parent of a kindergarten graduate, make sure you start their 529 plan and don’t introduce them to Uber until they get a job.

May 24, 2019May 24, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday the Holiday Weekend Edition

Summer is finally here and that means one thing. Most people I know are making plans for road trips, barbecues and beaches. Sadly, my plans this year don’t include any of those things. And so, I present to you Go F**k Yourself the Holiday Weekend Edition.

Go F**k Yourself to the People Who Bought My Parents Hamptons House – In a previous column, I took aim at my parents’ realtor so today, as I think about the countless summers I got to spend in the Hamptons, I’m cursing the people who will get to spend their weekend in what used to be my family’s summer getaway. Sure, it’s not your fault you wanted to get a nice place in Southampton but that means there will be no more visits to my favorite boutique, no more Sunday mornings at the Farmers Market and no more lobster at Oakland’s with a view of the Long Island Sound. Yes, I know these are totally first world problems but there’s something to be said about having a Hamptons house. I guess next time around, we need to buy our own. Time to purchase some scratch off tickets because that won’t be happening anytime soon.

Go F**k Yourself Party Hosts with Out of Control Kids – I know that when it’s a holiday weekend you’re not supposed to complain when your neighbors invite all their friends over for a huge barbecue but here’s the problem. First, everyone parks their car in front of our house which riles up our dog because she thinks someone is coming to visit. Except they’re not. Next, you’ve invited a ton of families with little kids and since we don’t have a fence, they are running all over our yard, jumping on the trampoline we haven’t used in years and using the swing set and monkey bars that could very well be infected with termites. We wouldn’t know since our kids haven’t used those in 10 years either. But it gets better. Your party goes on all day into the night and while you and your friends head inside, your kids are still running around and screaming at the top of their lungs even though it’s 1:00 am. Seriously, if you’re going to host a barbecue – either invite me to it or tell your kids to stay the hell off my jungle gym.

Go F**k Yourself Loud Beachgoers – You get to the beach after everyone has claimed their perfect spot and you camp out within inches of our blankets and lounge chairs. You then set up your portable speaker and sync your iPhone and within seconds, the peaceful sound we were enjoying of seagulls and crashing waves is rudely interrupted by Kanye West and some other rapper whose lyrics are laced with so many curse words that I can’t concentrate on my novel anymore. I know you think no one else exists except you, but newsflash…there’s a reason Dr. Dre invented Beats. Why not invest in a pair so we can go back to enjoying a peaceful day at the beach.

Go F**k Yourself Highway Patrolmen with Ticket Quotas – I know it’s important that we don’t speed, drink under the influence or text while driving out to the Hamptons or the Jersey Shore, but do you really need to do a random seatbelt check right when we get off the highway? It’s already taken us 39 hours to get out there but to cause a traffic jam just so you can make your ticket quota for the month really drives me to drink. Except I can’t since I’m driving. So there’s that.

Go F**k Yourself to People Who Schedule Late Meetings on a Holiday Weekend – Just because you don’t have anywhere to go this weekend doesn’t mean the rest of us want to stick around for an afternoon powwow. The next time you decide to plan a meeting after 4pm on a holiday weekend, make sure you do it poolside with complimentary Mai Tais.

On that note, no matter where you go or what you do, I hope you have a fantastic Memorial Day weekend!

May 17, 2019May 17, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday the Small Business Edition

If you’re a small business owner, then you’ve probably experienced a lot of headaches along the road to success. Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I’m walking on a cloud because I’ve landed a huge placement and other times, I just want to pack it in and open a flower shop. When those moments arise, I do what I do best….write. Without further ado, I present, Go F**k Yourself Friday, the Small Business Edition!

Go F**k Yourself to the “ROI” Client – As a publicist, it’s sometimes difficult to measure how a media placement can immediately lead to sales. In some cases, it’s pretty straight forward – an author appears on a TV show and they see a spike in Amazon sales. But in other instances, it’s really tough to predict what will motivate someone to buy a product. That’s why every time a client is fixated on ROI (return on investment) I know I am doomed. When you hire a publicist it’s like going to Vegas and playing the slots. Sometimes you’ll win a bunch of quarters, other times you’ll keep feeding the beast and every once in a while, you’ll hit the jackpot. If you don’t have the stomach for gambling, then please do us both a favor and don’t hire me. But if you’re ready for a fun ride, then hit me up with some quarters and let’s do this!

Go F**k Yourself to Subscription Services that Suck Away My Cash – I finally bit the bullet and cancelled a Quickbooks account for a business I have that’s no longer generating revenue. But it took me several months to finally log onto my Quickbooks account and figure out how to cancel it in the first place. That’s the thing about expensive subscription services – they hide their cancellation button so well that you just decide to give up and keep paying the fees. Thankfully, I took the time to finally cut the cord and am glad I’m not flushing cash down the toilet anymore.

Go F**k Yourself to Clients Who Trade Chickens in Lieu of Checks – I keep hearing from friends that instead of paying them what they are worth, their clients are offering them a free hotel stay, a fancy dinner, or free haircuts for life. While it’s always wonderful to have perks in your life, perks don’t pay the bills. I’d rather pay my own way, get paid for what I’m worth and then pay my bills on time.

Go F**k Yourself to Big Clients Who Take Forever to Pay– There is nothing worse than landing a new client who takes advantage of your good nature and decides to pay you on their timeline – which can sometimes be a month from now, 60 days away and in some cases, never. If you were on a construction site and didn’t pay your workers, do you think they’d come back each day to operate the crane? I don’t think so. Pay up or stop wasting my time.

Go F**k Yourself to Toxic Clients – I learned this lesson a few years ago when a client would literally interrogate my team during meetings and her yelling and verbal abuse became so intense that we actually fired her. No matter what someone is willing to pay, there is nothing worse than getting sucked into the world of someone with a toxic personality. If you meet a client who is prone to yelling, belittling your work or just being rude to you no matter what you to do, then life is too short. Fire them first before they fire you.

And on that note, it’s time to start the weekend. Yabba Dabba Doo…I’m outta here!

May 10, 2019May 10, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday the Mother’s Day Edition

Well, it’s that time of year again where moms everywhere are celebrated but for some of us, even Mother’s Day has a way of pissing us off…

Go F**k Yourself to Prix Fixe brunches – Why is it that on Mother’s Day, the price of a regular brunch is triple the price just because you’re celebrating moms? If you really want to pay tribute to me, then all moms should get free bottomless mimosas. Now that’s a promotion I can get behind.

Go F**k Yourself Flower Companies – I know I waited until the last minute to send my mom a gift and that means the only thing that will arrive on time is a bouquet of flowers that I can have delivered to her home this weekend, but that comes with a $20 surcharge. Yes I know I could be better at buying gifts in advance, but it’s like those flower companies prey on people like me who are notoriously late purchasing gifts for their mothers. Cut me some slack and for that extra $20, throw in a few more roses instead.

Go F**k Yourself Greeting Card Companies – I don’t know what’s happening with greeting cards these days but why does it seem like it’s always slim pickings for Mother’s Day? There used to be a time where I’d find my signature Peanuts card in record time, write a little note inside and be on my merry way. These days, the cards are so boring, sappy and loud (what’s with all those cards with the blaring music) that I just want to go back to the days when cards said something sweet and funny and didn’t cost a fortune. Don’t even get me started with card stores like Papyrus which suck you in because they have beautiful cards but they’re a small fortune and while you’re waiting at the register, you wind up buying an inappropriate joke book and a notepad laced with your favorite curse words.

Go F**k Yourself Dirty Laundry – The problem with Mother’s Day is that it takes place on a Sunday and the problem with Sunday is that’s the day I typically do laundry. So if I’m supposed to technically take a day off so I can be pampered by my family, either someone is going to be missing clean underwear or their favorite shirt won’t be clean in time for brunch. Sure, I know I just have to teach my family how to wash their own clothes but it’s just easier for me to complain about how much laundry I have to do and then make them feel bad for me. Damn you laundry. Every time the pile seems to be getting smaller, my son takes another shower and the towel collection just continues to grow.

Go F**k Yourself Indecisive Shoppers – When I go into a store to buy a gift, I am a woman on a mission. Mom likes pins, my mother-in-law loves flashy earrings, my cousin loves cookbooks and I’m on my way. Except the woman in front of me is taking her sweet time at the jewelry display cabinet asking the sales girl to show her at least a dozen pieces and she still can’t make a decision. When I give up and try to find another salesperson, they just went on break and now I can’t take a look at anything in her cabinet. And when I’m at Barnes & Noble, the line is so damn long to buy one book that I decide instead to go to CVS to pick up a gift card. If people could just get their s**t together, find a gift, pay for it and leave, the world would be a much happier place.

In all seriousness, hope you and your family have a fabulous Mother’s Day no matter what you do. Now I better getting going so I can start shopping for some gifts.

May 3, 2019May 3, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday…the Politician Edition

For the most part, our columns try not to take any political sides because thankfully, we have fans on both sides of the aisle. With that in mind, I’ve decided to delve into politics in a way where we can still call out bad behavior no matter your party affiliation. So without further ado, I present to you, Go F**k Yourself Friday, the Politician Edition…

Go F**k Yourself to the I’m Going to Call Out a Random Guy Politician – You have probably seen this dozens of times but don’t even realize it’s part of a formula for the perfect political speech. Mention the name of some poor schnook you met in the middle of nowhere. Share his story of how he and his family are just struggling to survive ever since he was downsized at the coal mine. Share some random statistics about how many people can’t find jobs now that they’re being replaced by robots and then end with how you’re going to fix the problem. Boom! You just learned speechwriting 101 for politicians. Make it personal, add a dose of stats and then promise something you know you probably won’t deliver.

Go F**k Yourself to the Blow Smoke Up My Butt Politician – Free college tuition for everyone! Health care for all! Everyone gets a job! You get a car, she gets a car, sure you can’t drive, but you get a car too! I have to admit – I would love to not fork over my life savings to fund college for my two kids and health insurance for my family but I am realistic and know that if someone could come in and just devise a way to lower the costs significantly, I would totally appreciate that too. I’m not an all or nothing kind of person — save me some money, and I’ll support you for life but if you promise me the moon and deliver air instead, then peace out, I have to go pay some bills.

Go F**k Yourself to the Will You Donate to My Campaign Politician – I totally get it. You need to fund your campaign but just because someone somewhere got their grubby hands on my email address doesn’t mean you need to send me emails every single day asking for money. If I don’t respond the first or fifth or hundredth time, it’s time to take a hint. Less is more. If you stop spamming me so much, maybe I’ll consider tossing some change your way. All I want now is to hit unsubscribe.

Go F**k Yourself to the Flip Flopper Politician – There’s nothing more that drives me nuts than when I see video of a politician bashing a person who clearly has no moral compass only to see him cozy up to him and be his biggest defender because he’s either being blackmailed or has lost his cotton picking mind. Either way, I’d love to fast forward to 2024 to see if you really like the person you now play golf with on a regular basis or will you be flip flopping again when he no longer is relevant to your existence.

Go F**k Yourself to the Kill them With Kindness Politician – If you are way too nice to me then I’m going to tell you right now, I don’t trust you. I mean, I can be happy too but on most days, I get pissed off a lot. There’s no way I can smile when people are feeding me a line of BS. Sometimes, you just can’t be nice to everyone – especially if they are not being nice to you.