April 2019 - the next chapter

April 26, 2019May 2, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday…the Hurry up and Wait Edition

When one of our pipes broke the morning of Passover this year, I realized how lucky I am that technology has enabled me to find plumbers, upholstery cleaners and appliance repairmen at a moment’s notice. I also have discovered that the easier it is to find people to fix things, there are plenty more who still drive me bonkers because they are like speed bumps – I may be driving at 60 mph but BAM! out of nowhere I hit a speed bump and everything just stops. In honor of all those human speed bumps who drive impatient people like me crazy, I present to you, Go F**k Yourself Friday, the hurry up and wait edition…

Go F**k Yourself Roto Rooter – You totally took advantage of me when I first moved into my house and didn’t know a good plumber after the previous owner’s kid flushed a pen down the toilet and clogged the whole system. Roto Rooter sounded familiar so I flipped through the phone book (remember those days) and the Roto Rooter service man came over within a few hours, diagnosed the problem and then charged us an arm, a leg and the name of our first born to fix it. Fast forward to Passover morning when I instantly found a very nice plumber on Thumbtack, he proceeded to stop by within an hour of our corresponding and quoted me a totally reasonable price to fix my pipes. Sayonara Roto Rooter – looks like your price gauging plumbing disaster days are over.

Go F**k Yourself Bank Rep Who Wanted to Eat Lunch Instead of Deal With Me – Truth be told, I hardly visit my local bank anymore. I can deposit checks from my phone and pay bills online so I really have no need to stop inside and speak to someone. But this week, I needed to get one document notarized and also had to get a letter from the bank as part of my daughter’s student visa application. What I thought would take 10 minutes turned into a 90 minute ordeal when I stopped into my local bank and it felt like a ghost town. As I looked around for someone to help me a woman who was returning with her lunch proceeded to tell me they didn’t have a notary on staff and I needed to get that letter via online customer service and not at my local bank branch. She then sent me to another location to get the letter notarized and when I got there, their notary told me she couldn’t do it. Thankfully, I did get the other letter I needed which means the bank rep at the first branch just didn’t want to deal with me in the first place. Listen up bank reps – if I hardly every visit your bank, you may want to be a little more helpful when I stop by for something important. Otherwise, I will close my accounts and take my business to a place where people are more than happy to help me with whatever I ask for. Incidentally, when my bank wouldn’t notarize my letter, we walked over to HSBC and one of their reps did it instead – even though I don’t even have a bank account at their bank. Hey there reps at my current bank, I’ve got some choice words for you but I’m going to let Julia Roberts do it for me…

Go F**k Yourself to the Pricey Salad Place in my Neighborhood where the workers always seem to be filling online orders instead of waiting on customers who are literally staring at them in the face. There’s a well known franchise in my area that makes ridiculously expensive salads that I typically cave in and visit at least once a week. However, it’s been pretty frustrating lately trying to get the workers’ attention because they always seem to be filling orders for people who aren’t even there. You see, even though the place has been empty on the few occasions I have visited, the salad makers behind the counter always seemed preoccupied fulfilling online orders, so I stand there like an idiot waiting at least five minutes to place my romaine lettuce with grilled shrimp, tomatoes, cucumbers, apples and Greek yogurt dressing because someone ahead of me who isn’t even there is having their salad made because they ordered it first on their app. Seriously, if you see a real live person staring you in the face waiting to place an order, then stop what you are doing and take care of them. I don’t care if people are ordering from Uber Eats, Door Dash, Postmates or the app for your pricey salad joint – if you see me, ask me what I want NOW or you probably won’t see me again…at least not until next week.

Go F**k Yourself to Ride Share Drivers Who Say they are 3 minutes away but it’s more like 10 – here’s another pet peeve of mine. If it’s cold or rainy outside, the last thing I want to be is standing outside braving the elements because my Uber driver claims to be three minutes from picking me up. As I stare at the app watching as his car goes backwards and forwards and then backwards again, I’m left wondering what the hell that driver is doing. Even though the app keeps saying he’s 3 minutes away, suddenly, it increases to 4, then 8 then back to 6 and back up to 10. It’s one thing if it’s 70 degrees and I’m enjoying the fresh air but if all I want to do is get in a car so I can warm up, don’t tell me you’re around the corner when you’re clearly lost, dropping off another passenger or just too damn slow.

Go F**k Yourself to the ‘I’ll Be there Tomorrow’ Guy – I happen to have many of these people in my life. Something breaks down in my house and Mr. Fixit assures me that he’ll be there tomorrow morning. But then the morning passes by and he says he’ll be there later in the day. And one day leads into the next and soon another week goes by until suddenly, when you’re nowhere near your house, the repairman shows up and wonders where you are and why you weren’t waiting around for him. Here’s the deal. I don’t work well with people who say they’ll be there that day and don’t show up for another two to three weeks. If I’m not home when you finally decide to stop by, I guess I’m going to have to deal with going yet another day with a broken appliance and you’re going to have to deal with not being paid because I’m not there. Here’s a piece of advice, when you tell someone you’re going to be at their house the same day, don’t leave them waiting, wondering and checking to see if you’re receiving their urgent texts. Ditch the excuses and just show up!

April 19, 2019May 2, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday – the week of WTF

Sometimes, a series of events happen throughout the week that cause you to give people the side eye while you make a mental note that they just made it into your column without them even realizing it. So this week, as I juggled work and life events that kept me busy, annoyed and on my toes, I decided to devote this week’s column to the random acts of crazy that made me stop a minute and say WTF?

Go F**k Yourself to Politically Correct College Tour Guides – I’d like to start this missive by first saying, I am totally on board the politically correct bandwagon, but sometimes, I think my progressive friends have seriously gone off the deep end and this week was no exception. While at a college tour with my son, four of the tour guides introduced themselves by stating their names and they added that they go by the pronouns “He, him, his” or “Her or she.” I looked at my son and asked him, is this a thing now? Because, honestly if it is, I’d like to be addressed as “Miss,” “Hey lady,” “Bitch” but whatever you do, don’t ever think of calling me ma’am.

Go F**k Yourself to the Second Guesser – You haven’t worked in my industry for at least half a dozen years and yet, you decide to start questioning my work and then insult me in an email and cc my client. You know what? What if I take a little break and you take over from here? Just use your rotary phone to call your contacts who no longer have landlines, don’t respond to emails or are out of work looking for jobs too. Don’t ever claim you know how to do my job unless you’re in the trenches right along side me. Otherwise, STFU and get out of my way.

Go F**k Yourself to the Steamroller – I used to work with someone who would literally push you out of the way if it meant she would get ahead faster than you. While the people around her were minding their business and doing their jobs, she used her connections and pushy attitude to get whatever she wanted and didn’t care if she stepped on her co-workers along the way. This week, I met someone who totally reminded me of the steamroller and as I watched her in action, it took me back to those awful days when I always found myself watching my back. The good news is, I’m my own boss now and she’s someone else’s nightmare, not mine.

Go F**k Yourself to People with Hidden Agendas – This past week, I invited a few media contacts and bloggers to a really fun event and for the most part, everyone was really nice, had a great time and wrote positively about their experience. But there always has to be a few bad apples in the bunch and this was no exception. First, there was the pushy paparazzi photographer whose unflattering video promoting the event literally made me cringe. When I told him to take it down, he then got mad at me because he said it took him an hour to create it. Well, take 5 seconds to delete it and you’ll make my day. Then, a reporter who works for a major gossip magazine interviewed my client and proceeded to write something that had absolutely nothing to do with the event I had invited her to see. Lesson learned – even though it’s great when people say they’d love to attend an event, sometimes you’re just better off telling them to stay home or attend another event where they can totally annoy someone else.

Go F**k Yourself to Supermarkets with Super Small Kosher for Passover Selections – For my fellow tribe members who host seders this time of year, is it just me or have supermarkets really started carrying less and less Passover fare? I mean, I shouldn’t have to travel to three supermarkets to find a jar of red horseradish and would it kill you to carry something other than coconut macaroons? This week, after striking out three times on the horseradish, I finally broke down and went to the uber expensive kosher supermarket that just opened in my neighborhood. Not only did I find the horseradish, but I even tracked down two packages of pupiks for my grandmother’s classic fricassee recipe. Granted, when I asked one of the workers if they carried pupiks, he looked at me like I was nuts but I was determined. Plus, I knew there was no way my neighborhood supermarket carried pupiks since I’m lucky if they carried gefilte fish. Thankfully, after searching through one of their freezers, I struck pay dirt and found the pupiks myself. Here’s the deal with Passover – if you work in a kosher supermarket, when Passover is around the corner, you need to brush up on some Yiddish food lingo stat. And if you’re the store manager for Stop & Shop or ACME, it’s time to give Passover an entire aisle and not just three shelves filled with gluten free matzoh, white horseradish and borscht. For the record, while the Catskills might have been known as the “Borscht Belt” during the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel era, no one I know eats borscht at their seder. Now pupiks on the other hand…that’s a whole different story.

And on that note, I have to go make some matzoh ball soup. Happy Holidays!!!

April 12, 2019May 2, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday…the Distracted Edition

These days, it’s literally impossible to have a conversation with people because they are either texting someone, scrolling their social media feed or they’ve zoned out thinking about their weekend plans. Without further ado, it’s time to call out all those F**kers who don’t have time to pay attention.

Go F**k Yourself to the Person Who Texts During a Meeting You just landed a new meeting with a potential client and you’re about to present to the team. The problem is, half the people in the room are attached to their phones and can’t pay attention to what you’re saying since they’re too busy planning their wedding, a Bar Mitzvah or just figuring out what they’re having for dinner. If you’re required to attend meetings, then put the phone down for once and listen!

Go F**k Yourself to the Person who takes phone calls in restaurants – You’re in a cozy restaurant with your significant other and the tables are thisclose together. The ceilings are also pretty high so you feel like you’re in an echo chamber and can’t hear yourself speak. And then the girl next to you picks up her phone and starts up-talking with her friend (translation: ends every sentence with a question even though she’s not actually asking any questions at all). You’re still waiting for your appetizers to arrive and she doesn’t seem to be hanging up any time soon. If your phone rings, don’t answer and proceed to talk for 10 minutes while your partner stares at you or the people next to you eavesdrop. Stand up, walk outside and take your calls in private!

Go F**k Yourself to People Who Don’t Read Anymore – there are a few new abbreviations I recently heard about from a friend who told me that if you send someone an email and it’s longer than one paragraph, nine times out of 10, they won’t read it. In fact, the practice of not reading long emails is called TLDR (too long, didn’t read). For those of you who don’t have 60 seconds to read, comprehend and respond, seriously, take a break and get a grip. Sure my message may be a little long winded, but it’s not like I’m asking you to read Gone with the Wind.

Go F**k Yourself to the Guy in Front of Me Who is Clearly Texting and Driving – the light has been green for at least 10 seconds and yet, you’re still not moving. Could it be that you’ve been too busy scrolling your Facebook feed to realize that you just caused a traffic jam? You are not the only one on the road and the world won’t fall apart if you don’t like or heart an Instagram post. Put the phone down and drive!

Go F**k Yourself to the Person Who Has No Time for Small Talk – You and I aren’t friends but you still begrudgingly walk over to me with that fake grin plastered on your face and give me an air kiss. I can clearly see you are looking over my head hoping you can talk to someone else but I try to make small talk nevertheless. If you really don’t want to talk to me, then seriously, don’t even say hello in the first place. To be honest, I’d rather stick needles in my eyes then have a conversation with you anyway.

Hope you have a fantastic distraction-free weekend. I’m going to try to read a book, not look at my phone and maybe have a conversation without texting in between. Oh who am I kidding? I am so not doing any of those things. Better go refresh my social media feed before we hit the restaurant!

April 5, 2019May 2, 2019

Go F**k Yourself Friday…the Furniture and Appliance Edition

Truth be told, I have had a lot of topics that were rattling in my brain lately and I really wanted to channel that anger and frustration into this week’s column, but like a fine wine, I think my toxic thoughts need to simmer a bit before they become funny. And so, I decided instead to tackle a topic that everyone can relate to whether you own a home, rent a home or live in an apartment. So without further ado, I present to you Go F**k Yourself Friday the furniture and appliance edition.

Go F**k Yourself to the moving company that was oh so nice to my dad when he was moving all his stuff to my cousin’s house, my house and his place in Florida. Anything he wanted, no problem, they’d take care of it. But when they delivered his entertainment center to my house with a HUGE scratch on one of the doors, my dad gave me their number to call because they told him they’d fix anything that broke or had an issue. When I called them and emailed a photo of the damage, they said they’d get right on it. That was seven days ago. Today I called again and got a busy signal. What is this, 1985? I haven’t experienced a busy signal since I had a rotary phone in my bedroom – and that was in Canarsie when I lived with my parents! Get it together movers and fix my furniture or else I’m going to keep calling, emailing and texting until you get back to me. Busy signals do not scare me!

Go F**k Yourself Slipcover Company and other products that are supposed to deter my cats from wrecking my furniture but never seem to work. This past week, after my parents gave me a few couches and a bed, it only took a few days for my cats to start making trouble. First they began digging their claws into the arms of my new sofa. Then they left their mark on the bedding and mattress upstairs. Eventually, their cat hair was tracking every piece of furniture we just added to the living room and den. And so, I did what any person who is trying to outsmart her pets would do. I ordered pet slip covers from Sure Fit and bought sticky tape from the pet store. After the slipcovers arrived, I put them on the couches but the cats managed to still claw at the only parts that weren’t covered – the arms. So I put the sticky tape on those parts and by the time I came home last night from an event, the tape was already peeling off. As far as the bed upstairs, my only saving grace is I can close the doors to keep them out. But either way, no matter how much I spend on trying to protect my furniture, nothing is going to help. Those cats are always two steps and three claws ahead of me and it drives me nuts.

Go F**k Yourself Washer & Dryer that always breaks down right after the warranty runs out. Out of all the appliances in my house, the one thing I have had to replace over and over again has been my washing machine and dryer. I know that we do a lot of laundry each week, but the washer really shouldn’t be filled with water after the spin cycle is done and it shouldn’t take 90 minutes to dry socks. Sure, they don’t make appliances like they used to, but we shouldn’t have to replace them every 2-3 years like an iPhone. Just let me throw the stuff in and clean my clothes already. Oh and if someone can come up with an appliance that folds laundry and puts it away, I’ll take that too.

Go F**k Yourself Refrigerators with Really Small Freezers. Sure, the double door refrigerator seemed like such a cute choice when we picked it out at the appliance store but then we brought it home and found out that we can’t open the freezer door all the way since it slams against the wall. Then, every time I forget that I have already bought a box of Elio’s pizza for my son, I have to figure out how to fit all those frozen boxes in the fridge like I’m putting together a Jenga puzzle or something. One false move and the chicken, meatballs and frozen shrimp will come tumbling out of the bottom shelf. One day, I’ll get one of those fridges with a big bottom freezer. For now, it’s shove everything in and hope that my Halo Top ice cream doesn’t melt.

Go F**k Yourself in Advance to my Heat and AC Unit. You’ve literally been hanging by a thread every year and each time our plumber comes over for yet another repair he warns that this could be the year we need to replace you. Yet, we still hang on, hoping you’ll survive another season. Whether it’s the coldest day of the year or it feels like we’re living in a sauna, that’s exactly when my HVAC unit decides to crap out on me. Unfortunately, my plumber now has a full time job so he fits me in about two weeks after I text him that we have lost feeling in our lower extremities. Sure all we have to do is throw on a few more sweaters or buy a fan, but I just want to be able to turn on the heat or AC without it involving a prayer session.