If you live on the east coast, then you’re getting ready for a massive snowstorm and temperatures that will make it feel colder than Antarctica this weekend. Nothing like a blast of bad weather to put me in a foul mood. And so dear readers, today I present to you, Go F**k Yourself Friday, the Nor’easter edition.
Go F**k Yourself Canadian Goose Coat companies that always make me question whether that $750 investment in a puffy black coat with a fur lined hood is really that worthwhile. But then we hit frigid temps and I’m left standing outside on a train platform staring at people with that signature goose patch on their arm who I know are feeling balmy in 12 degree weather. Me, on the other hand, has lost the feeling in my texting fingers.
Go F**k Yourself Obsessive Snow Shovelers. You know who you are. You’re the neighbor whose driveway is completely free of snow the moment the last flake lands on the pavement. Your front walk is cleared away and you can easily drive your car and walk to your front door without slipping on a patch of ice. Sure I’d love to be you too but the problem is, I didn’t invest in that Canadian Goose down coat so I can’t spend more than 15 minutes outside without freezing my buns off. Plus, I hate shoveling snow so there’s that.
Go F**k Yourself People with Empty Garages. Yes, we’re that family who needs the chick from that decluttering show to spend a weekend in our garage cleaning out all our crap so we can park our cars and not have to use an ice pick to chisel our windows. But you are sitting pretty. You’ve got fancy shelves and everything is hung properly on the walls so you can actually use your two car garage for your cars and not for an old couch with shredded slipcovers that you should have thrown out three years ago.
Go F**k Yourself Invisible Teens who no longer walk up and down our block offering to shovel our driveway for a nominal fee. I guess they’re all toasty warm playing Fortnite for 17 hours and counting. I’m starting to think I need to convince my mom friends to start playing Fortnite too because once my Beverly Goldberg loving crew starts honing in on their beloved game, they’ll give it up for good.
Go F**k Yourself to the Person who Makes the Call on Unnecessary School Closures. Don’t get me wrong, if there’s a blizzard outside, I definitely don’t want to be driving my kid to school but if we have had a light dusting, that’s not a reason to close the school. Oh and don’t even get me started on those 5am delayed opening wake up calls. Whatever happened to those days when kids would trudge a few miles in the snow just to make it to school? Yeah, I didn’t do that either so never mind.
Go F**k Yourself to the Snow Plow Driver who Just Ruined my Shoveling Job I have already mentioned that I hate shoveling snow more than I hate losing the circulation in my fingers on a train platform. But after I toss my shovel back into the garage, I hear a whooshing sound in the background and then see out of the corner of my eye that a snow plow has just spread a foot of snow from the street back onto my driveway. Seriously? I’m going to follow you home, rent a snow plow and wreck your driveway too.
Despite the mountain of snow that we’re expecting I have to admit, I’m kind of looking forward to some hot chocolate with marshmallows and a six hour Netflix binge. Have a great weekend everyone and stay safe and warm!