Following an incredibly stressful week, I have discovered that one of the most cathartic things I can do for myself is write. This column has become a great source of therapy for me as I share all the things that get under my skin. Tonight, I present to you, Go F**k Yourself, the Zero Patience Edition.
Go F**k Yourself Excruciatingly Slow Driver who is driving 15 miles under the speed limit. Maybe you’re lost or you just like to take in the scenery but either way, I need to pick up my son who’s waiting for me outside in 12 degree weather wearing a flimsy parka. Either keep the Cadillac Seville in the garage or get the f**k out of my way!
Go F**k Yourself to the guy on the Metro North platform who hip checked me on his way into the train. We’re all headed to the same place and if you think you’re going to give me the stink eye when you sit in the six seater where me and my girlfriends commence our morning gabfest, you’ve got another thing coming.
Go F**k Yourself to the Oblivious Pedestrian who is texting and walking at the same time. I totally get that we all get distracted when someone sends us a message that must be a matter of life and death, but seriously, if you don’t watch where you’re going, you could be hit by a city bus or fall through the sidewalk.
Go F**k Yourself Couple Who Arrive at the Movies two minutes before the film is supposed to start. We’ve been here for 20 minutes feeling cozy in our electronic recliners and then the two of you stroll in with your soda, M&M’s and jumbo popcorn and then force us to stand up. Seriously, get your s**t together and get here in time for the previews like the rest of us.
If you live on the east coast, then you’re getting ready for a massive snowstorm and temperatures that will make it feel colder than Antarctica this weekend. Nothing like a blast of bad weather to put me in a foul mood. And so dear readers, today I present to you, Go F**k Yourself Friday, the Nor’easter edition.
Go F**k Yourself Canadian Goose Coat companies that always make me question whether that $750 investment in a puffy black coat with a fur lined hood is really that worthwhile. But then we hit frigid temps and I’m left standing outside on a train platform staring at people with that signature goose patch on their arm who I know are feeling balmy in 12 degree weather. Me, on the other hand, has lost the feeling in my texting fingers.
Go F**k Yourself Obsessive Snow Shovelers. You know who you are. You’re the neighbor whose driveway is completely free of snow the moment the last flake lands on the pavement. Your front walk is cleared away and you can easily drive your car and walk to your front door without slipping on a patch of ice. Sure I’d love to be you too but the problem is, I didn’t invest in that Canadian Goose down coat so I can’t spend more than 15 minutes outside without freezing my buns off. Plus, I hate shoveling snow so there’s that.
Go F**k Yourself People with Empty Garages. Yes, we’re that family who needs the chick from that decluttering show to spend a weekend in our garage cleaning out all our crap so we can park our cars and not have to use an ice pick to chisel our windows. But you are sitting pretty. You’ve got fancy shelves and everything is hung properly on the walls so you can actually use your two car garage for your cars and not for an old couch with shredded slipcovers that you should have thrown out three years ago.
Go F**k Yourself Invisible Teens who no longer walk up and down our block offering to shovel our driveway for a nominal fee. I guess they’re all toasty warm playing Fortnite for 17 hours and counting. I’m starting to think I need to convince my mom friends to start playing Fortnite too because once my Beverly Goldberg loving crew starts honing in on their beloved game, they’ll give it up for good.
Go F**k Yourself to the Person who Makes the Call on Unnecessary School Closures. Don’t get me wrong, if there’s a blizzard outside, I definitely don’t want to be driving my kid to school but if we have had a light dusting, that’s not a reason to close the school. Oh and don’t even get me started on those 5am delayed opening wake up calls. Whatever happened to those days when kids would trudge a few miles in the snow just to make it to school? Yeah, I didn’t do that either so never mind.
Go F**k Yourself to the Snow Plow Driver who Just Ruined my Shoveling Job I have already mentioned that I hate shoveling snow more than I hate losing the circulation in my fingers on a train platform. But after I toss my shovel back into the garage, I hear a whooshing sound in the background and then see out of the corner of my eye that a snow plow has just spread a foot of snow from the street back onto my driveway. Seriously? I’m going to follow you home, rent a snow plow and wreck your driveway too.
Despite the mountain of snow that we’re expecting I have to admit, I’m kind of looking forward to some hot chocolate with marshmallows and a six hour Netflix binge. Have a great weekend everyone and stay safe and warm!
We’re just about to start the weekend, so I figured it would be a good time to devote a Go F**k Yourself column to the things that drive us nuts when we go out to restaurants. As someone who likes dining out a lot, we’ve had a lot of positive experiences and the restaurants that we love are doing everything right. But sometimes, there are things that just get under our skin. See if you can relate…
Go F**k Yourself to Restaurants that Don’t Serve Unsweetened Iced Tea. A few years ago, I made a commitment to detox from Diet Coke. As a result, my drink of choice became unsweetened iced tea. One would think that’s an easy beverage request but I’m honestly baffled every time I go into a restaurant, ask for my iced tea and they respond that they only have sweet tea or no iced tea at all. Here’s the thing. If you serve tea and you have ice, then guess what? You have unsweetened iced tea!
Go F**k Yourself Space Invader. You know who you are. You’ve just walked into an extremely cozy restaurant whose tables are really close together. Rather than give the people who are dining their space, you decide to hover right near their table, bumping my elbow as I reach for a roll and a glass of malbec. Back up b*tch and move over to the bar.
Go F**k Yourself Loud Talker. I know you probably don’t hear yourself, but I do and I’m about 30 feet away from you trying to have a quiet dinner with my husband. I don’t really care about your high stakes job as a bond trader or about the girl who you totally blew off because you are an a**, but if you could just stop dropping the F bomb in every sentence, that would make everyone’s restaurant experience a whole lot better. I really don’t mind people who curse but if you’re going to shout profanities throughout my entire meal, I am going to walk over to your table and tell you to go F Yourself.
Go F**k Yourself Waiter with No Timing Whatsoever. So we sat down about 20 minutes ago and you still haven’t stopped by our table. Then after you finally brought our drinks and took our order, you started bringing out our appetizer and entree at the same time. Then, when you could clearly see we were in the middle of a heated discussion, you came over to see how we were doing and whether we needed anything else. No I do not want crushed pepper on my risotto but I do want a sprinkle of parmesan cheese but now I can’t find you and my food is getting cold. Some words of advice to ensure a seamless restaurant experience – ask for my drink order as soon as I sit down and make sure you bring water and rolls tout suite. Never bring my appetizers and entrees together and if I’m having an argument with anyone, just stay the F**k away from my table until I give you the high sign that the coast is clear.
Go F**k Yourself to the Restaurant Dinner Loiterers Everyone is entitled to having a nice leisurely dinner without being hassled but if you know a restaurant is busy and there’s a line out the door of people waiting to be seated, that should be your cue to get the F**k out. Pay the damn bill, put on your coat and go to the bar if you still want to hang out with your friends. When I’m really hangry, I will pay your bill for you just so I can sit down and eat.
If you’re like me and have kids in college or teens on their way to higher education, then you probably are facing the same financial squeeze that we’re experiencing right now. Back when we scrimped and saved to pay for our kids’ Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, we weren’t really thinking that we’d have to pay about eight years worth of B’nai Mitzvahs to put both our kids through college. The good news is, our money woes have inspired this week’s column. Without further ado I present Go F**k Yourself Friday, the Finance Edition…
Go F**k Yourself Property Tax Bills…Just as we were getting ready to celebrate the New Year, that unmistakable blue bill wound up in my mailbox on December 31. Go F**k Yourself property tax manager who thought it would brighten my spirits to receive a whopping bill the day before I started 2019. Seriously, you couldn’t wait until January 2? Once I send in a kidney to cover this bill, I cannot wait until the next one arrives in April – just in time for tax season. Oh, and now that we can no longer write off part of our property tax bill due to the changes in our tax laws, I hate you even more. Here’s hoping that in a few years we can sell our house and move somewhere like Maine where they have no taxes and cheap lobster.
Go F**k Yourself FAFSA…If you are a parent of a college bound student, then FAFSA has become the bain of your existence. While I have a masters degree and my husband has an MBA, we always seem to screw up this application year after to year to the point where it always gets rejected at the 11th hour. This time, we’ve filed the wrong IRS form for our daughter from 2016 even though it’s the only form we filed for her. Huh? With tuition rates skyrocketing at colleges across the country, applying for FAFSA is worse than a visit to an oral surgeon – no offense to oral surgeons out there but I can’t imagine root canal being fun.
Go F**k Yourself People Who Can Afford to Take Over the Top Vacations During the Holidays…Yes, we saw you relaxing by the pool with your perfectly pedicured toes. We caught your family beach shots in Cabo. We even saw you skiing in the Alps, biking in Costa Rica and zip lining in Hawaii. Please understand, we are thrilled you were able to afford to pay top dollar for your vacation getaway and you totally deserve it, but here’s the thing. We scrounge up cash every year to travel to the hottest places on earth during the summer months because it’s cheaper and we can’t afford to travel during the holidays. Maybe I just need to delete my Facebook account this time of year so I don’t get jealous. Or maybe I can fast forward to six years from now when my kids will be off the payroll and we can finally travel to the Caribbean or South America when the temperature outside isn’t 120 degrees Fahrenheit.
Go F**k Yourself Health Insurance Companies….When I became an entrepreneur, I never thought I’d have to pay the salary of an entry level teacher for my health care insurance but fast forward a decade and here we are. Since we no longer have an employer covering our medical expenses, we now pay more than what it costs to send one of our kids to a New York State school for a plan that doesn’t even cover certain prescription meds. The other day, my daughter had to get a prescription for eye drops and her doctor gave her two choices – a $10 version and a more expensive one that wouldn’t burn her eyes. When she found out the pain free eye drops was $150, she opted for the stinging sensation in order to save us a few bucks. Thankfully, my daughter is already learning the value of a dollar but seriously, what kind of madman is setting prices at those drug companies anyway, forcing people to choose between medication that will burn your eyes or a more expensive version that won’t? That’s just seriously wrong and there’s nothing funny about that at all.
If you’re like me and feel like you’re in a canoe that’s sprung a leak, I hope you got some laughs before you start paying your bills this month. The good news is, you’re not alone. The bad news is, it still sucks. Here’s to a debt free Friday and a fabulous weekend!