Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
My boyfriend likes to watch me pleasure myself but won’t let me watch him. He says it won’t turn me on. I disagree. What do you think?
Signed,
Okay, Now It’s Your Turn
Dear Okay, Now It’s Your Turn:
Well, in this situation, I can honestly say I don’t really have a tried and true answer for you. Whether or not watching your boyfriend pickle his pecker (sorry, this column is somewhat family friendly. If I wrote masturbate, they’d kill me. Oh wait, I just did. Holy hell, I’m guessing I’m not long for this world now am I? Well it’s been nice) Sorry, back to the boyfriend who ‘pickles.’
So, for me to tell you to tell him that it will turn you on wouldn’t be fair because what if in fact it did not? Since you’ve never seen this guy’s “act” you might find that he’s not very good at it. Now, I know you’re asking yourself, “What would make it good versus not good?” and probably also wondering how the hell I would know.
Well, first let me say that, yes, I’ve had a seat to one or two of these shows and honest to God, whether or not you’re going to get the reaction you are seeking, truly depends on who’s playing the lead.
You have to understand that there are certain facial expressions you never want to see on your man, ever. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had been dating this guy for like 10 hours, when he began his performance by contorting his face in such a way it made him look like he was executing a “movement” right there next to me on top of the 400 count cotton sheets I had just bought at Bed, Bath and Beyond, on sale, using my twenty percent off coupon, no less. This, of course, had me very worried because I was pretty sure I’d never get a bargain like that ever again.
However, I quickly went from worry to just outright disgust when he suddenly opened his mouth really, really wide and made these like, quick moaning sounds because it made me think of the root canal I’d just had and for a second there I was actually tempted to shove a dental dam inside his mouth and measure his tooth for a new crown.
When he did finally finish, I suddenly felt like I’d just exited one of those house of horror type rides. You know that feels like right? Where you’re kind of shaken, even though you knew the whole time you really weren’t in any danger and yet while it was happening you were scared out of your mind and even a little grossed out? Yeah, like that.
Bottom line, never assume anything, often times the grass only looks greener, be careful what you wish for….you get the point. Good luck!
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.