Ask Single Mom Walking

Dear Single Mom Walking:
I’ve had this happen twice since I started dating my boyfriend. We stop by his house and I use the bathroom and THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER! What’s the proper etiquette here? We’ve only been dating a few weeks!
Tired of no TP
Dear Tired of no TP:
Oh, I’ve had that happen to me on many occasions. I remember once resisting the urge to use a page from one of the magazines the guy had sitting “toilet” side. It was hard because it was a picture from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, Cindy Crawford I believe.
My dilemma was that I was afraid he’d find out and think that I was bitter and petty, wait, make that KNOW I was bitter and petty and he was so hot and as of yet had not realized that I was not so I wanted to keep things moving forward.
What I ended up doing in that situation was, first, while still sitting on the toilet I tried to open every cabinet door and drawer hoping, of course, to find a spare roll. Sadly, I have found over the years that if a person runs out of toilet paper and doesn’t replace the roll right away, chances are that person is a male who lives alone and is straight, which leaves about a 2% chance that when you open that cabinet door you’re not going to find what it is you are looking for. However, there is a 99% chance you will encounter at least one roach motel and a bottle of cleaning fluid that has gone unused for so long, the color of the liquid bears little to no resemblance to what it was on the day it was originally purchased.
I must confess, that have long given up attempting this particular stretching maneuver because inevitably I would either end up falling off the toilet with my pants still at my ankles, pulling a hamstring, usually the left one, don’t ask me why or start feeling sorry for myself that the only kind of guy who wants to date me has nothing in his bathroom cabinet but roach motels and old cleaning supplies.
What I do end up doing now is letting myself air dry for a bit and then just sucking it up and hoping that by midway through our evening together I don’t end up smelling like the inside of a airport bathroom.
It’s funny though because even though I’m now in my 40’s, I still don’t sit there for too long, lest this man in my life think that I might be doing anything other than peeing. I guess I can’t get past the notion that I might be the only one who actually finds herself timing somebody when they go to the bathroom and then feeling embarrassed for them if they stay too long you know, because they’re like human.
Finally, what you could do, which is what most mentally healthy women do do is just yell from the bathroom, “Can you toss me a some toilet paper please?!” and then right as he flings it over to you, yell out, “This is going to cost you and I’m not talkin dollars here!”
jessica bern 724 (1).JPGJessica Bern is a single mother to a 7yr old girl, a money sucking dog named Teddy and the ex wife of a man who left her for his mother. She writes at bernthis.com, where you she blogs all about it and where you can watch the Bernthis web series she created about a neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist’s office. She also spends some of her time giving out sex/dating advice over at rolemommy.com and has worked her vlogging magic with aiminglow.com, Kodak and Seventh Generation.
For more from Jessica Bern, visit her blog, Bern This.