L.A. Weight Gain

Week four of my latest diet conquest and I’m still hungry and have lost a total of three pounds. They told me I’d reach my goal within eight weeks and they’re obviously certifiably insane. I’m following it as best I can, going hungry for most of the day and despising the gallons of water I’m drinking every other minute. And then, when I go for my weekly weigh-ins, the nutrition counselor is surprised that I haven’t lost an ounce. I’m a serial dieter…which means my body is so used to my yo-yo nutrition plan that it feels like it’s in combat. Cut my calorie intake in half, and look, nothing happens. Constipated…think a few fiber chews or fish oil pills will get the system going, well think again. Don’t mess with the serial dieter. I’m sticking with the extra 10 pounds I’ve got stuck on my thighs and no one will shake them loose. Will I ever be thin again? Probably not, but I’m not giving up…at least not this week…I’ve got two days to go before I step on the scale – I better go drink a gallon of water so I can finally lose more than a half a pound.

Equi-Not

I am hereby fed up with my gym. I hardly go, they charge me a gazillion dollars a month for the two times I’m there, and they just sent me a notice in the mail that they’re about to raise their prices! Meanwhile, the place is always packed to the gills with cosmetic surgery plagued women who now have the figures of teenage girls, but that’s a whole different story. I actually went to the gym this week and attempted to get on the first treadmill I saw. Unfortunately, it was broken. So I went to another one. Missing the thing-a-ma-jig that connected to the TV set so I couldn’t use that one either. Went to a third and that too was on the fritz. This gym, in a word, blows. It’s allegedly one of the best gyms out there and yet their equipment is constantly breaking down, the place is always crowded and the women are as plastic as my overused credit cards. I should cancel my membership and every so often I get up out of bed, throw on my workout clothes, determined to quit the gym once and for all. And then I think to myself, do I really want to go through the hassle of joining another gym that I won’t go to and then will find a million reasons why that gym stinks too? So I’ll keep going from time to time to this one. Maybe I’ll even get in shape while I’m there. Okay, that’s crazy talk. Let them fix the treadmill and the speaker thing and then maybe I’ll carry my end of the bargain.