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(da)D-List of Signs It's Time For Kids to Go Back to School

The latest hilarious D-list for parents from The Kid Dictionary author and dad, Eric Ruhalter...

1. Mom's voice no longer registers in kids' ears.

2. Every family member has consumed twice their body weight in Hamburgers and Hot Dogs. And Freez-Pops are under consideration to become their own food group.

3. Kids now so bored with the pool that they'd rather go clothes shopping.

4. Food left in lunch box since June has grown into a large furry purple organism that is pushing open the pantry doors.

5. The ice cream man has taken in 10% of parents' combined annual salaries.

6. All school summer reading materials have been ignored, lost, replaced and ignored and lost again.

7. Children now so tan that chocolate ice cream (purchased from the wealthy ice cream man) is no longer noticeable when they get it all over their faces.

8. Lack of intellectual stimulation has rendered kids incapable following the plot of a Sponge Bob episode.

9. Kids just finally getting used to sleeping in enough that catching the morning school bus will be a problem.

10. Mom is standing on the edge of the roof, ranting unintelligibly, wearing nothing but an inner tube, a faux fox fur boa and a conquistador helmet, and swinging a dead trout in circles over her head.

Eric Ruhalter is the creator of funny gift book series for parents: "The KidDictionary: Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids." Take a hysterical look inside them by watching the videos at www.TheKidDictionary.com. Looking's always free. Eric lives in Morristown, NJ with his wife Kara and 3 vocabulary-defying children. Eric Recently won the Morristown Green Film Festival with his short "Good For the Earth"

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 08/31/2010

THE (da)D-LIST Of: Things You learn as a Father in the Summer.

The latest hilarious D(ad) list by Role Daddy Eric Ruhalter

1. Days that are 100 Degrees aren't much different from days that are Zero degrees. Your kids are cooped up inside and at each others' throats.

2. The Ice Cream Man wields a hell of a lot more authority than any parent.

3. When you're at the public swimming pool, the warmer temperature in the kiddie pool definitely has nothing to do with the fact that it's shallower.

4. The laughter of innocent children chasing fireflies is somehow mired when you take into account the mass firefly slaughter statistics.

5. That familiar scent of home in the summer time? That scent is FEET!

6. There's No School!

7. Central air conditioning on a stifling hot July Day is the closest thing to heaven on this earth.

8. Kids are always going to give you a tough time when you try to put them to bed while it's still light out.

9. In the winter one bath every day seems excessive. In the summer it seems insufficient.

10. When you tell your kids to stay out of the poison ivy, and they don't listen, and you tell them, "I told you to stay out of the poison ivy and you didn't listen, so don't come to me when you're all itchy!" They're still going to come to you when they're all itchy.

Eric Ruhalter just released the second volume of his funny gift book for parents: "The KidDictionary: Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids." Take a hysterical look inside it in the videos at www.TheKidDictionary.com. Looking's always free. Eric lives in Morristown, NJ with his wife Kara and 3 vocabulary-defying children.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 08/02/2010

Role Daddy: The Ice Cream Man

When I was a kid I LOVED the Ice cream man. I wanted to BE the ice cream man. I loved the little change counter thing he wore on his belt, the big white festive truck alight with colors and lights and menu boards chock full of tasty looking pieces of frozen heaven on sticks. And all these treats were right there at their disposal, neatly tucked away into the magical freezer chests that are all over the back of the truck. And he, the omniscient Ice cream man knows exactly which chest each of the treats live in. He's clad head to toe in white with little accents of black around his belt and around the brim of his hat. A man in uniform. The music would play announcing his coming, like the regal entrance of a prince to his coronation. Majestic. Festive. Fun - The ice cream truck.

As a parent? I FREAKIN' HATE the ice cream truck! HATE! HATE HATE HATE!! It's about the biggest instigator of discord in all my family. I think he's following me around, knows my schedule with the kids and our standard meal times and does everything he possibly can to accost us right before lunch and dinner almost every day from May through August each year. He sneaks up on us, too. You're about to try and get your kid seated before a plate of good-for-you lightly-steamed vegetables when this truck comes darting up filled with Chipwiches. It is not complementary to the mission. It is a disaster. And I take offense to it.

I don't like commercial entities, like the ice cream man, that subsist by pitting child against parent. They bet on the will of the children to come out ahead. That's who they're pandering to. If they wanted the approval of the parent they'd only come at... well, they wouldn't come at all. And that's not a good business model.

On top of the poor nutritional options afforded our children by the ice cream truck it's a complete rip off. What you pay for an ice cream treat could almost buy you a whole box of the same treat at the super market. (and there's a supermarket a block away from my house.)
Box of ice cream sandwiches 4 dollars. One ice cream sandwich from the ice cream man - $3.50

But maybe we're paying for "the atmosphere" and the convenience of home delivery. But that still doesn't appeal to me. Appeals like crazy to my kids evidently. But as far as I'm concerned - Hey! Ice Cream Man! I've got your bomb pop, right here!

Eric Ruhalter lives in Morristown, New Jersey with his wife, Kara & 3 rambunctious children. Eric is the creator of The KidDicitonary - A Book of Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids. For more of his wit and wisdom, except for wisdom, amuse yourself at www.TheKidDictionary.com.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 07/13/2010

THE (da)D LIST OF JUNKFOOD YOU SHOULD TAKE SPECIAL CARE TO AVOID

With transfats and high fructose corn syrup and other evil ingredients, there are way too many unhealthy food items for sale that are unconscionably marketed to our children. But, though they may receive less press, there are even MORE dangerous and unsanitary snacks on the market just waiting to be consumed by our youth. See below for the D(ad) List of Junkfood items you should take special care to keep away from your children.

TOE-CHEEZ DOODLES

REESE'S PROTECTIVE CUP

BUTTFINGER

KIT SKAT

CINNAMON ASBES-TOAST CRUNCH

GOOD 'N PLASTIC

TICKS TACS

BIT O' ARSENIC

SUGAR SCABIES

LEPER-SKIN PATTY

THREE PUS-KETEERS BAR

LICE KRISPIE TREATS

SNO CRAPS

Eric Ruhalter lives in Morristown, New Jersey with his wife, Kara & 3 rambunctious children. Eric is the creator of The KidDicitonary - A Book of Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids. For more of his wit and wisdom, except for wisdom, amuse yourself at www.TheKidDictionary.com.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 05/07/2010

The D(ad) List of Theme Park Thrill Rides to Avoid This Summer

1. THE SWINE FLUME

2. THE JAGGED DERAILER

3. THE EJECTOR CARS

3. MACE MOUNTAIN

4. THE UNINSPECTED BEAST

5. THE WEE MACHINE

6. HURLING THUNDER

7. WEDGIE-BUNGEE!!

8. THROE OF DEATH

9. THE HERNIATED DISCO COASTER

10. THE SHITCHERPANTZ

11. SEISURE-ASAURUS

Eric Ruhalter just released the second volume of his funny gift book for parents: "The KidDictionary: Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids." Take a hysterical look inside it in the videos at www.TheKidDictionary.com. Looking's always free. Eric lives in Morristown, NJ with his wife Kara and 3 vocabulary-defying children.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy, TV on 04/17/2010

Role Daddy: Kids With Spring Fever Need First (Lemon) Ade

It's a childhood classic, The Lemonade stand. Last weekend, the first real warm days of Spring 2010, my kids approached their mother and I, asking if they could set up a Lemonade stand. Sure, why not. So their mom got to baking and mixing up a few pitchers of Newman's Lemonade, while they stood entirely too close to her and repeatedly asked her if they were ready yet.

Then they started talking price. Their first notion was to charge exorbitant sums of money for their wares. $10 for lemonade, $20 for a brownie. After all, that way they could sell 2 cups of lemonade and 1 brownie and have a pretty substantial net profit. Thusly allowing them to polish off the rest of the lemonade and brownies themselves with their pockets fat with cash. But we talked them through their faulty understanding of Supply and Demand and ultimately settled on 25 cents per glass of lemonade, 50 cents per brownie. Very reasonable. Especially since their overhead came, not out of their piggy banks, but out of our grocery bill.

Next we set up shop. We made a table out of a piece of plywood and two saw horses. The cash till, a dirty bucket from the sandbox, sat on one side of the table. The brownies and pitcher of lemonade sat in the middle. They made large illustrative signs to lure in their customers who might be driving, walking or bicycling by. Though, like police checkpoints, they should be forced to post notice of their lemonade stand in the papers to warn people. Some might want to alter their route to avoid this lemonade stand. Lots of pressure. The second a car or pedestrian or bicyclist dared to set foot on our street, the harassment began - "LEMONAAAAAADE!!!!! AND BROWNIES!!!!! BUY SOME LEMONADE!!!! AND BROWNIES!!!!!!!" All up in everyone's grill like a Krishna at the airport.

Their kill ratio was high. Most people like a good cup of lemonade and a brownie. And everyone else is probably willing to flip them a quarter in order to shut them up.
Crosby, my 8 year old set out to stroll the neighborhood's adjacent streets to alert every resident about his lemonade stand. And he did so with one hand up his nose and the other down his pants. Somehow, they came out in droves anyway. When all was said and done they had more than 40 bucks in their till. Not a bad haul. Show me a grownup who can sell that many brownies with his hand in his pants.

I think that large corporations should take note of this phenomenon - People will buy anything from a kid. The Girl Scouts organization is definitely hip to this, but perhaps some brokerage on Wall St. should follow the lead and see what happens if they set up a first-grader to make cold calls.

Eric Ruhalter Just released his hilarious new gift book - "The KidDictionary Volume 2: More Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids." His kids are selling it at www.TheKidDictionary.com. Go there and watch the funny videos that look inside this indispensable work of literature.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 04/08/2010

Role Daddy: The V Word

A while back my wife appeared in a production of "The Vagina Monologues." That's right, my wife in "The Vagina Monologues." A witty and well-done dissertation on all things Vagina. You can't come out of one of those Vagina Monologue shows without knowing everything there is to know about vaginas. It was a great performance, but I think ultimately the best thing to come out of that whole production was how it's empowered me to say the word "Vagina" a lot.

In that first paragraph you may have noted that I said "Vagina" 6 times. Six! That, in itself, is more times than I've seen the word vagina written out since I was reading scrawlings on desks at my middle school. Somehow I find saying "Vagina" very cathartic. Vagina.

Vaginas are fascinating to me. Not in a perverted sexual way. Well, maybe that too, but moreover the vagina is the portal to life! Teeny tiny microscopic sperm cell goes IN the vagina, relatively enormous living, breathing, screaming, hungry, farting mammal comes OUT of the vagina. The miraculous vagina. And it's tremendously elastic, the vagina. And it can govern the behavior of males who are helpless in the face of its allure. And I even hear that if you're thoroughly in tune with your vagina you can use your vagina to predict an earthquake. Wow! What a Vagina!

Surely the Vagina is worthy of our great respect. If I had a vagina, and I don't, I would treat it with insurmountable dignity. I think there should be a holiday devoted to the celebrating the Vagina. There should be feasting, toasting, Vagina Carols, and great rejoicing, And if someone were to snidely refer to it as a "Hole-y Day," I would surely thrash them into a coma for exhibiting a level of disrespect not befitting of the Vagina, the anatomical characteristic for whom I have the utmost respect.

Ya know, I'm not sure that, outside of my female health teacher in 8th grade, I'd ever uttered the word vagina aloud to a woman before. Somehow, though, when my wife and her friends were preparing to take the stage to perform The Vagina Monologues, I found myself perfectly comfortable urging each of them, as a derivative of the usual showbiz encouragement, to go out there and "Break a vagina." Man did they ever. In a good way.

Vagina.

Eric Ruhalter, his wife Kara, their 3 children, 2 female cats, and their vaginas live in Morristown, NJ. Eric is the creator of "The KidDictionary: Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids," a series of hysterical gift books no one who has kids or ever was a kid should be without. Watch the video looking inside The KidDictionary series at www.TheKidDictionary.com. Vagina.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 03/13/2010

The (D)ad List of Banned Dr. Seuss Books

In honor of the Late Dr. Seuss's Birthday, Role Daddy Eric Ruhalter pays tribute to some of his lesser known works, with the (D)ad List of Banned Dr. Seuss Books:

GREEN EGGS, HAM AND FUNNY CIGARETTES

THE CAT IN THE HAT COMES BACK TO SILENCE ANY WITNESSES

2 THINGS , 1 CUP

HOW THE GRINCH ACQUIRED ARMS-GRADE URANIUM

YERTLE THE TRANSGENDER TURTLE

AND TO THINK THAT I TURNED TRICKS ON MULBERRY STREET

HORTON SNIFFS SOME GLUE

MCELLIGOT'S POOL OF UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT WORKERS

THE STAR BELLY SNEETCHES RIOT IN PRISON AND OTHER STORIES

THIDWICK THE BIG HEARTED MOOSE'S PONZI SCHEME

OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO RUNNING NUMBERS!

THE LORAX CAN'T LIVE WITHIN 500 FEET OF A SCHOOL

MARVIN K. MOONEY WILL YOU PLEASE TEXT A NAKED PICTURE OF YOURSELF?!

Eric Ruhalter lives in Morristown, New Jersey with his wife, Kara & 3 rambunctious children. Eric is the creator of The KidDicitonary - A Book of Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids. For more of his wit and wisdom, except for wisdom, amuse yourself at www.TheKidDictionary.com.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 03/02/2010

The D(ad) List: Things You Shouldn't Say to Your Pregnant Wife

1. Remember, you're only eating for TWO.

2. Have you seen "Free Willy"? Has he seen you?

3. How come you get all the attention for being pregnant? I did half the work!

4. You can call it "Lactation" if you want to. I call it a pair of "Fringe Benefits." Yowza!

5. Maybe you should take the freight elevator and I'll meet you up there.

6. How 'bout YOU put the crib together, you're the one who wants the baby to sleep somewhere else besides in your uterus.

7. I can see why your friends might want to have a shower for you. There are definitely places on you that you can't reach well enough to wash.

8. I'd better shore up the bed frame with some cinderblocks.

9. You get to miss your period for almost a whole year, what do I get?! Nothin'.

10. (in the delivery room) The baby's almost all the way out. How come you still look fat?

Eric Ruhalter lives in Morristown, New Jersey with his wife, Kara & 3 rambunctious children. Eric is the creator of The KidDicitonary - A Book of Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids. For more of his wit and wisdom, except for wisdom, amuse yourself at www.TheKidDictionary.com.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 02/11/2010

Role Daddy: Hammer Toe

When I was a kid my brother and I spent a lot of time in our tree house. I was there more than I was in my real house. It was sort of like living on your own, except you still had a place to go and get fed and take a bath and let your mom pick the tics off you. There are no trees around my current house that are really well-suited for tree houses, so my kids are going to have to soldier on through their childhood without that right of passage. And they're so much safer because of it.

I remember one especially horrid tree house incident. I was 5, my brother Chris was 7, and his friend Ricky was over after school helping out. We were putting on an addition. When you're building on a tree house, and you're in elementary school, you employ a lot of nails. The theory being - if one nail will hold a board onto the tree, 40 nails will REALLY REALLY hold it to the tree. The problem with all these nails and boards lying around and no sense of responsibility is that, well, nails are sharp.

We had climbed up to a new branch on the tree and constructed a platform. What we didn't do was build a way to get down. So I jumped down, followed by my brother Chris, and finally Ricky. Unfortunately for Ricky, he landed square on board with a nail sticking out of it, which jabbed right through the ball of his foot. I bet it made a sound like a spear going through a coconut. But I can't say for sure because the only thing I could hear was Ricky's scream. It was a piercing shriek that scared every bird and squirrel from every tree in our neighborhood. The tics even jumped off our bodies and ran scared. Then he started hopping around on his one remaining good foot, sobbing "I have a nail through my foot!! I have a nail through my foot!!" And he sure did. That nail and the board it was sticking through were still very sturdily affixed to his foot (as if there were 40 nails through it). Can you feel it a little bit in your own foot right now? I can.

So Chris ran off to get my Mom who, unless she was under her great big 1970s hair dryer, had to have some inkling that something was amiss outside where the screaming was going on. Ricky was still hopping with the precision of a world-class Hopscotcher. I was standing there in the same position I was in when Ricky got punctured. I was scared stiff as the board that Ricky could not shake free to save his life. Chris and my mother did not return in a timely fashion.

A few moments later when Ricky'd managed to compose himself ever-so-slightly, he hopped over to me and uttered the words I did not want to hear. "Eric, (gasp) pull this out for me!" But I was the little kid. I had to do what I was told.

Ricky was wearing a pair of those green rubber snow boots. The ones that say "Steel reinforced sole." I say, Bullshit. This nail ripped through that boot like nothing. It was a long nail too. The kind you have to whack 30 times to nail all the way in (or jump out of a tree onto it.) Ricky braced himself, holding on to the trunk of the tree and I grabbed both ends of the board and gave it a twisting, crooked, outward YANK, likely doing far more harm than good. I think the tetanus squelched his brain's ability to scream again.

Right about then my mom appeared with my brother. Not sure what took them so long. Presumably she was perusing the liability clause on our homeowner's insurance policy. Better late than never. Though a little earlier might've earned Ricky a more capable extraction of the rusty metal spike in his foot than a kindergartener could muster. But she took him inside, took off his boot and blood-soaked sock, and rinsed his wound with iodine or some other stinging antiseptic astringent of our youth.

These I can relate to just how badly it must've sucked for my mom to have to call Ricky's mom and tell him what happened to her son while he was on our watch. Maybe it's just a coincidence but I don't think Ricky had any more play dates at our house after that little incident. The good news is the next weekend my Mom and Dad spent an afternoon shoring up our tree fort. They did great work. And with a fraction as many nails.

Eric Ruhalter lives in Morristown, New Jersey with his wife, Kara & 3 rambunctious children. Eric is the creator of The KidDicitonary - A Book of Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids. For more of his wit and wisdom, except for wisdom, amuse yourself at www.TheKidDictionary.com.

Posted in: Blog, Role Daddy on 02/09/2010

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02/03/2010: The D(ad) List: Slogans Rejected by Chuck E. Cheese

01/28/2010: Introducing: Role Daddy!