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HOME TRUTHS - A New Blog by Judy Epstein

THE REAL GAY MARRIAGE
There's been a lot of fuss lately about Gay Marriage, but I, for one, am looking forward to it. Speaking as someone who's been married to a man for many years, myself, I'm looking forward to seeing how a marriage composed exclusively of men solves the every-day problems that bedevil the rest of us. (Theoretically, this could apply to women, too, but we all know that we're not the problem.)
For example, I'd like to see what system two MEN devise for deciding who will be the partner to leave the cap off the toothpaste tube, and who will be the one to complain and put it back. Who will be the one to leave the smelly gym clothes wherever they land on the floor, and who the one to pick up and wash them? Will they decide by lottery? By drawing straws? By rotating every week/month/year? Because maybe, if they can come up with a system, the rest of us could adopt it.
I would like to see how a household of two men decides which of them will hear a ringing phone and do something about it - like answer it - versus which one will behave as if it were a cobra >hissing in the corner. Which will be the one to pass on the message "Oh, by the way, Visa called; they say if they don't get a payment in 24 hours, they're cutting us off" - a month after it's happened? Which will be the partner who remembers all the birthdays and events of both extended families, and which one will never remember his own anniversary?
I look forward to seeing how two men decide who takes the dishes into the kitchen after Thanksgiving dinner, versus who gets to stay at the table for coffee and dessert. And I'm dying to know -- which spouse will get control of the TV remote?
I suppose there's one argument they'll never have - they'll both leave the toilet seat up. Unless they acquire children, and at least one is a girl. She'll have to learn to fend for herself. I really hope they do have children. I can't wait to see how two MEN decide which partner has to get up in the middle of the night, and who gets to sleep through till morning. And that's just the beginning. Every working wife and mother in America will be waiting, with bated breath, to see how two MEN decide which is the parent who leaves work early to pick up a child who is throwing up at school! Or, which one will use their vacation time to attend teacher conferences, versus which one has the "important" job.
Yes, I welcome America's homosexuals to the ranks of us married folk. But they'll have to act fast, because who knows? If they insist on combining work with marriage and family, I predict that soon, they'll become NOsexuals, just like all the rest of us.
Judy Epstein has an award-winning humor column, "A Look On The Light Side," which is often but not always about mommy issues. Judy has a website at http://www.alookonthelightside.com/ and has won awards from the Press Club of Long Island 3 years in a row, last year in both 1st and 3rd place. In a prior life, she worked in Public Television for almost 20 years, including almost 10 with Bill Moyers. She's been on the radio, with positive reviews ("You sounded just like NPR!"), has begun hitting the speaking circuit and an essay she penned was recently published in Chicken Soup for the Soul in Menopause. ("It Starts with an M" on page 40.)
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Posted in: Blog, Undercover Mom on 09/18/2007

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