Blog: June 2007
Sideshow Beth
I finally discovered why talk shows and big concerts have opening acts. To warm up an audience and get them ready for the bigger star of the night. A lot of times, opening acts are quite refreshing - funny, they get you in a good mood and they prepare you for what's in store that night. But what would happen if the opening act had to wait around until the end of the show to perform? Would people stick around for their spiel? Well I learned last night the answer to that question...NO!!!
You see, about a month ago I was invited (along with my co-author) to do a reading from our book following an off-Broadway show. The offer seemed genuine enough and I instantly started conjuring up thoughts of how we would read a chapter and have the entire audience laughing so hard that we'd be on our way to instant stardom. Me, on a stage - right across from some major Broadway shows...the dream of a lifetime - or the nightmare that I'd like to never remember as long as I live?
The day of our reading, I even went to an upscale salon where I had my hair blown out while sitting next to some famous looking woman who had gotten a little long in the tooth, who was sitting there having these blonde extensions sewn into her head. Why do people do that anyway? Then, it was time for make-up. By accident, there was a slight mix-up at the salon and they put me in cue for the eyebrow lady (were they trying to tell me something) but then realized their mistake and I got to sit in the chair of the make-up woman who had just finished doing an absolutely amazing job on some really beautiful girl. When the make-up lady asked how I wanted my make-up done - I joked - can I look like her? "Well, she's Miss Mexico." I obviously wasn't going to get that look, but the woman did a great job and I felt like a million bucks. I then zipped into Ann Taylor Loft and bought a cute little dress for our special night. I was ready to knock em dead!
We arrived at the theater and we actually almost missed the place because it was sandwiched between a newsstand and I think Burger King, but that didn't get me down - this was going to be the experience of a lifetime! We climbed a flight of stairs and saw the sign for our book and I started to get goose bumps. We met the star of the show and then talked about how we'd do the reading. We then learned that we had to be out of there pretty quick because they were getting ready for another show at 10pm and then discovered that we weren't going to be the opening act, we were going on after the star. Uh oh.
This was not going to bode well since she was playing to a room of new mothers who probably had to get home in time to relieve their babysitters. And so, we sat through the one hour and fifteen minute show and the minute we were introduced, the place started clearing out - as if someone had yelled "fire in the theater" or something. As I attempted to read my chapter, more and more people left. And the parts where I thought they'd laugh, there was just silence. I tried to read as fast as I could and in my head I imagined I was in a dentist's chair having root canal. Then my writing partner read her chapter - and as she read, the room cleared out even more. By the time she was done, there were a total of five people left in the theater - and that included the star of the show.
To say I was mortified is the understatement of the year. I felt as if I had bombed off-Broadway but then I realized - I was supposed to be the opening act...not the closer! My husband actually summed it up best when he looked at me and said - "Look on the bright side, if this were the circus, you'd be Sideshow Beth."
And that was my first brush with off-Broadway - a sideshow experience where the room cleared out the moment I opened my mouth. I sure do hope I have the opportunity to go back on a stage again, but this time I better be the opening act or the main attraction. Because when you're The Closer in a room full of new parents, your pretty much dead on arrival.
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Posted in: Blog, Role Mommy Confessions on 06/22/2007
Eed Gads, My Cankles Are Huge
From the time I was a teenager I've hated my legs. If it wasn't the knee fat or the over-sized thighs, my biggest pet peeve about my lower half are what I fondly refer to as my cankles. Yes, I do not have a calf or an ankle but the lower half of my leg are one size - extra large. I may not look like one of those poor people from a third world country with elephantitis but looking down at my legs during the summer months is downright depressing. I hate wearing shorts, there are no pairs of shoes on the market that make my leg look thinner, and it seems like as I get older, my cankle problem is getting worse.
Thankfully, my daughter takes after my husband's side of the family - she's got the cutest little figure and I'm so thrilled that she'll never have to contend with knee fat and cankles. I mean, there is just no hiding both afflictions. No matter how thin I've looked in a one piece bathing suit or how flat my tummy was in a bikini, my legs have always been way larger than the entire package - forcing me to find a pair of genie pants or a huge wrap to cover up my gargantuan calves.
Far more depressing, this year, I put an extra five pounds on my frame (not by choice) and I think I'm carrying the additional weight right in my calves. No, the extra poundage never finds its way back to my 34A boobs, I'm blessed with the gene that finds the worst possible place on my body to distribute fat and then it miraculously appears...down below my knee lining the side of my calf.
I have no definition in my leg - which means mini-skirts, short shorts and slim leg fits are completely out of the question. During the winter months, the only boots that fit over my leg are the stretchy kind and now, in sandals weather I have to find the perfect shoe that won't make my leg look like it belongs to an 80 year old retiree.
I know. I'm being really hard on myself, but if you don't have cankles - you don't know how debilitating it can be on your self esteem. I'm actually ready to look into ankle liposuction just so that I can finally have a liberating experience and wear what I want without feeling self conscious about my legs. So if I actually do have a cankles consult, I'll keep you posted on my prognosis.
Hey, you never know - by next summer I could be cankle free! And if that comes out good, maybe I'll suck out the knee fat too! Dare to dream, dare to dream.
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Posted in: Blog, Role Mommy Confessions on 06/17/2007
Reading with Robin's Summer Book List!
If you are getting ready for summer vacation (personally, I am counting the hours), then it's time to get your reading list ready! No need to pick up crappy books that you plunk down $15 bucks for and then realize the only thing that intrigued you about the book was the cover art or the title! Our very own Robin Kall, host of the popular radio show Reading with Robin (click on listen live at 7am on Saturdays), offers her summer reading list. So get your mouse clicker ready! Every book links to amazon so all you need to do is point, click and order! And...check out Robin's show this weekend when she interviews Jennifer Connelly about the Judy Blume anthology. Should be a great interview!
Late Night Talking - Leslie Schnur
Life's A Beach -Claire Cook
A Little Bit Married - Debra Borden
Posh - Lucy Jackson
The Sonnet Lover -Carol Goodman
The Next Thing On My List - Jill Smolinski
Second Chance - Jane Green (Yippee...I love any book by Jane Green!)
Dream When You're Feeling Blue - Elizabeth Berg
A Day At The Beach - Helen Schulman
Sweet Ruin -Cathi Hanauer (now out in paper)
And...Peeing in Peace! (Okay - had to give us a plug - since we are a great summer read)
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